All grown up
by dutchie1
Summary: Alison finds herself in a difficult situation. She has a secret she hasn't shared with anyone yet, and is not sure if she dares to. Emily is in a dark place. The other girls seem to be doing well, however, not everything is always as it seems... Warning: Deals with problems such as eating disorders and self harm. Contains Emison/Ezria/Spoby/Haleb
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Alison was sitting on the sofa, waiting for the love of her life to get home. He was running late. She had to tell him something important, but was scared to do so. Around 9pm she finally received a text:

 **Babe, I'll be home in 15, could you maybe put a pizza in the oven? Love you!**

Alison was glad he'd be home soon, she texted him back that they should look for a house in Rosewood, closer to his job, so he wouldn't have to travel so long every day. When he finally got home, Alison asked him what took him so long, as he was later than usual. 'I ran into Emily' Noel answered. While Noel ate his pizza, Alison contemplated telling him what had been bothering her for a week now. She decided not to, she wasn't brave enough tonight. When they were lying in bed, Noel obviously wanted to talk, but Ali was having none of it. 'Babe… your friends are worried'. 'They always are', she shot back at him, 'everything is fine'. Noel doubted this, he was worried about his girlfriend's eating habits. Alison was getting thinner by the day, and he had hardly seen her eat the last couple of weeks. 'But Ali, you're not really eating… you're getting so thin'. Alison turned away from him, 'I had to lose some weight, but I'm fine now'. 'Are you sure?' Noel asked worried. 'Yeah' she turned around to kiss him, 'goodnight, I love you'. Noel was taken aback by the sudden coldness of his girlfriend, but didn't want to give up. He had to talk to her. 'Ali…' he said, while softly rubbing her back. 'Noel, please, not tonight', Alison pushed his hand away. 'Uhm, okay. Goodnight Ali'. Both Noel and Alison felt bad, and it took a while before they finally fell asleep.

Around 6 AM, Alison found herself unable to sleep. She decided to go downstairs to make herself some tea. When she was at the top of the stairs she suddenly felt dizzy and fainted. Noel woke up from the noise of Alison falling down the stairs, and found his girlfriend unconscious. 'Ali, honey wake up' he said to her. After several seconds, which seemed to drag on for minutes, Alison woke up. 'Noel' she whispered, 'I'm sorry'. 'Are you okay?' Noel asked, clearly in shock. 'I think I might have broken my wrist' Alison replied, wincing at the pain the fall had caused her. Noel decided to bring Alison to the hospital in Rosewood, as he had to go to work and all their loved ones lived there. Alison protested against this, but it was short-lived. The hour drive to Rosewood was marked by an awkward silence. 'I'll call your dad' Noel said, when they approached the hospital. 'No, please, it'll be fine. Just drop me off, I'll get my wrist checked and I'll be on my way'. 'But Ali, I don't want you to be alone, I'll call my boss and tell him I can't come in today' Noel said. He was worried sick about his girlfriend. 'You don't have to do that, I'll call one of the girls and then you can pick me up at the end of the day, ok?' Alison proposed. 'Okay, but first I'll come with you, I have some time before I have to be at work'.

After a bit of waiting, Alison got called in by a doctor. 'So, miss DiLaurentis, can you tell me what happened?' Doctor Jones asked. 'I think I broke my wrist' she told him. 'How did that happen?' 'Well' she hesitated for a moment, 'I fell down the stairs'. Dr. Jones looked from her to Noel. 'How did that happen?' he asked, clearly thinking Noel must have pushed her. 'Ehm, well, I think I fainted', Alison answered softly. 'Has that happened before?' the doctor asked. 'Yeah…', Alison whispered while looking down. Noel looked alarmed, he didn't know Alison had fainted before the accident this morning. 'Hmm, well let's take a look at you' the doctor said. While the doctor took Alison's vitals and called in a nurse to draw some blood, Noel couldn't help but blurt out that his girlfriend hadn't been eating a lot lately. Alison looked furious. 'Is that true young lady?' Dr. Jones asked, 'Have you had problems with eating before?'. 'No, I've been eating just fine' Alison answered through gritted teeth. 'Well, I think your wrist might indeed be broken. You'll have to go get some x-rays made. When you're done you can come back and I'll have your blood work ready. You have a very low blood pressure and heart rate. Your temperature is on the low side as well, and I think you might be dehydrated. We might have to admit you', the doctor said in a serious voice. Alison looked at Noel for support, but he avoided her glance. She bit back tears and the urge to run away. The doctor gave her a compassionate smile. Alison tried to compose herself, and shook the doctor's hand with her unhurt wrist. 'Thank you, doctor, I guess I'll see you later then' she said with a tearful smile.

As they were waiting for her wrist to be placed in a plaster cast, Noel was awfully quiet. In fact, he hadn't said anything since they left the doctor's office to get Alison's x-rays taken. 'Noel, don't you have to go to work?' Alison asked. 'No, I called in sick when they were taking your x-rays' he replied curtly. 'Why?' Alison asked with an air that reminded Noel of the Alison he knew 5 years ago, when they were 16 and both very different people. 'Because I'm worried about you. There's something you're not telling me. I know when you're keeping a secret, babe. And the doctor seemed rather worried as well' he explained. 'It's probably nothing' Alison said trying to sound confident.

When they had finally placed her wrist in a cast, they found themselves back at the office of Doctor Jones. Noel decided to get some coffee, and still wasn't back when the doctor came in with Alison's blood work. Before the doctor could say anything, Alison started talking. 'Could you please not tell him, he doesn't know yet, and I'm not sure whether I want to keep it or not' she told him, sounding like she was on the verge of a breakdown. 'So you know?' the doctor asked perplexed. 'I've known for a week now' Alison said, looking guilty. 'Your situation is delicate, miss DiLaurentis. I think I want to keep you here to make sure everything is all right, both with you and the baby'. 'Is that really necessary?' she asked him pleading. 'Yes, I'm afraid so' the doctor was clearly set on Alison staying in the hospital. 'Okay' Alison bit her lip. At that moment Noel walked in. He saw Alison had tears in her eyes. 'What's wrong honey?' he asked her worried. 'It's nothing, it's just, I didn't expect I had to stay here' she said with a tear rolling down her cheek. 'So she has to stay? Was there something wrong with her blood?' Noel asked the doctor while he put his hand upon Ali's. Alison gave the doctor a warning look; she didn't want Noel to know just yet. 'Her blood work didn't show anything really alarming, but taking into account that she has fainted before, combined with her low blood pressure, heart rate and temperature and the smack she must have made falling down the stairs is enough reason to keep her here for observation for at least this night' the doctor said sternly. Noel saw Alison was crying and squeezed her hand, 'okay, thank you doctor'. 'I'll leave you alone now, a nurse will come to help you to your room'.

When the doctor had left them alone, Alison broke down. Noel tried to comfort her. He hadn't seen his girlfriend like this since the night they discovered the truth behind A. 'It'll be fine baby, you'll be fine' he said to her, while holding her tightly. When she finally calmed down a bit, he asked her whether there was anything he could do for her. 'Could you get some stuff from home?' she asked him. 'Of course, what do you need?'. 'Just something comfortable to wear, my make-up stuff and maybe something to read'. 'I'll go and get it as soon as you're settled' he told her. After the nurse had come to take Alison to her room and Noel had left to get her the things she needed, someone came in to make an echography. 'Do you know how far along you are?' the nurse asked her. 'I'm not sure, but it can't be long' Alison answered. 'Let's see', the nurse proceeded cheerfully with the procedure. She was seemingly oblivious to the fact that Alison was trying to bite back her tears the entire time. 'It seems like you have been pregnant for a while already, I think 12 weeks at least, but the baby is lagging behind in growth. The doctor wrote down that you have some trouble eating, you will really have to start eating better. At the moment it seems like you're not getting enough food in your system to support yourself, let alone the baby' the nurse said worried. A tear rolled down Alison's cheek. The nurse obviously felt sorry for her and tried to comfort her. 'It will be fine, we will get a dietician put together a schedule for you and you'll be out of here in no time' the nurse said. Alison nodded, she felt like a weakling.

She hated it when she felt weak. This was exactly why she had stopped eating in the first place. She wanted to have control of her body and her life. Since the whole A thing had unraveled she decided that she would not control herself and everyone around her the way she used to; by being a bitch. She had tried several things, but found that controlling her eating habits worked best. She had a much better relationship with her friends and family and she was happy about the way she looked, although lately she felt like she had to lose more and more weight in order to feel good about what she saw in the mirror. She was not sure she could give that up for a baby she was not sure she wanted to have. And how would she tell Noel? Although his personality had turned 180 degrees from when they were 16, she was sometimes still scared that he would break out in a rage. When she first started dating Noel everyone thought she had gone mad. Her friends still didn't really trust him, but he had changed so much. After all they've been through together, Ali was sure he was the one. He was her rock. However, this did not take away the little insecurities she knew she would always have. The whole A situation had left her scarred, and she wasn't sure she could ever again trust anyone completely. But she trusted Noel the most, and Emily, of course. She dreaded telling Emily that she was pregnant. Emily had never been the same after that night in New York. She became obsessed with swimming. When she didn't get the scholarship she wanted and needed, she fell off the wagon. She started drinking a lot and failed her degree. Now she was working in the Brew. It seemed like she was doing all right at the moment, but Alison was always worried.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Emily had the day off. The Brew was doing amazing, business was booming. Although Emily was grateful she could work at her old job, she was exhausted, as she hadn't had a day off in two weeks. Nonetheless, she'd had a restless night. She woke up almost every hour. At 8 am she decided to get out of bed, even though she was still very tired; there was no way she was going to catch some sleep the way she was feeling. She'd had nights like these all week long and was on the verge of tears because se felt so hopeless. She just wanted to sleep, was that too much too ask? After taking a long shower and tastelessly playing around with her breakfast, she decided she would go get something to get her to sleep tonight at the pharmacy. However, she also felt the need to talk with someone and decided to text Alison, asking whether she could meet up before they would have lunch with the other girls. That was an hour ago, and she still hadn't gotten a response. For most people this wouldn't be a problem, but with the history Emily had with A, not getting an answer from one of her best friends straight away worried her. She knew she was probably overreacting, but decided to give Alison a call anyone. When she got her voicemail and felt the panic building in the pit of her stomach, she decided she was being paranoid and assured herself that she would see Alison in a few hours, at their lunch date.

Emily was the first to arrive at The Radley. She normally wasn't the first one to show up, but she was anxious to get proof of her own paranoia. It took ten minutes before one of the other girls finally arrived. Spencer was punctual as always. The girls hugged as a way of greeting each other. And as usual, Spencer just needed one glance to know how Emily was feeling. 'Are you okay?' she asked. 'Why wouldn't I be?' Emily responded, not wanting to express her worries to Spencer. 'No need to get defensive, you just seem a bit tense, that's all' Spencer said in her typical way. 'Sorry, I'm a bit tired', Emily looked away. Spencer was about to fire some more questions at her, when Aria walked in. 'Hi honey, you look great today' Aria told Emily. Aria knew that Emily wasn't doing too well lately, and always tried to make her feel better by giving her small compliments. Emily thought this was genuinely sweet, but unfortunately it didn't really help. As usual Hanna arrived later than the rest of the girls. She was in a good mood and was oblivious to the now positively alarmed Emily; it wasn't like Alison to show up this late. 'Hello lovelies, I'm not the last one to arrive I see! Hopefully Ali hurries up cause I'm starving!' Hanna announced. While the other girls chatted away happily, Emily was very quiet. While Spencer and Hanna were in a heated conversation about the new bags designed by Chanel, Aria nudged Emily. 'Are you okay, Em?' she asked quietly. 'Ehm, yeah, it's just that…' she hesitated for a moment. 'It's really silly actually, but I tried calling Ali this morning but she didn't pick up and now she isn't here…' Emily explained. 'I'm sure she'll be here soon' Aria tried to assure Emily. Although Emily nodded and attempted to smile, Aria saw how tense she was. After a few more minutes of Hanna and Spencer arguing about bags, Aria decided to call Alison. 'I'm gonna call Alison, she's late' she announced. Spencer looked at her watch, 'yeah, that's strange, it isn't like Ali to be 20 minutes late'. When Alison didn't pick up, Aria and Spencer began to worry as well. Hanna was still in her happy place, 'she's probably having a good time with Noel' she said with a smirk on her face. Spencer gave Hanna a warning glare, and only then she noticed how worried Emily was. 'I'm sure she's fine' Hanna said, looking at Emily with pitying eyes.

After waiting for a few more minutes Spencer decided to call Noel. The girls didn't really like the idea of their best friend being together with someone who played an ambiguous role in the events that led up to them uncovering Charlotte as A. Moreover, when he was dating Aria and found out about her relationship with Ezra, he had behaved ridiculously. Nonetheless, he did help Alison when she disappeared, and he seemed to have changed for the better, just like Alison had. As it was clear that Alison loved and trusted him, they gave him the benefit of the doubt. When Noel didn't pick up either, the girls started to panic. While they were discussing what to do next, whether to call Jason, or maybe even Alison's dad, Spencer's phone rang. It was Noel. 'Noel?' Spencer asked. 'Hey Spencer' he said, sounding tired. 'Are you guys okay? We were supposed to have lunch with Ali but she hasn't showed up. Do you know where she is?' Spencer rattled. 'Oh right, I think her phone is still in the car' he answered. 'Is she alright?' Spencer asked again. 'To be honest, she isn't doing so well. We're in hospital…' Noel answered. 'In hospital?' Spencer asked shocked. The other girls all looked positively alarmed. 'What's going on?' Hanna asked. Aria saw Emily was at the verge of tears and squeezed her hand. Spencer was signing Hanna to be quiet. 'Why is she in hospital Noel?' she asked. 'She fainted this morning at the top of the stairs and broke her wrist. The doctors want to keep her here for observation. She's sleeping now, but you guys could come by later today?' Noel offered. 'Oh wow, okay. Yeah, we'll definitely see you this afternoon' Spencer said before hanging up.

'What happened? Is she okay?' Hanna asked. 'I'm not sure. She fainted and fell of the stairs, breaking her wrist. But the weird thing is that they want to keep her for observation' Spencer explained. 'Can we visit her?' Aria asked. 'Yes, Noel said that she was sleeping now, but that we could come by later today' Spencer answered. Emily was quiet. Although she had proof that it wasn't that paranoid what she was thinking, the confirmation that something bad had happened to her friend made her feel nauseous. It reminded her of the years she and her friends were tortured by A. Although she couldn't imagine A having anything to do with this, it still made her nervous. 'Em, are you okay?' Aria asked, bringing her back to reality. 'Yeah, it's just that I felt the same paranoia as when A was tormenting us. You don't think this can be A, right?' Emily asked. The other girls gave each other a dark look. 'No, it can't be. I'm sure it's just some freak accident. Don't worry, Em' Spencer tried to reassure her. 'I guess I'll never lose that feeling of someone trying to hurt us completely…' Emily sighed. 'Nor will we, but if the bitch ever comes back, we know how to deal with it' Hanna said. 'Yeah, we'll always have each other' Aria added. 'Yeah, that's true' Emily said sounding not very convinced. 'Anyway, I have some stuff to do before we go to the hospital, what time shall we meet?' Emily asked. She really wanted to be alone for a while. 'But we haven't had food yet' Hanna exclaimed. 'I'm not that hungry. Around 4 at Spencer's?' she asked. The girls nodded, all looking a bit confused. 'Okay, ehm, I'll see you then' Emily said and rushed out of the restaurant.

By the time she got outside the panic she had felt building in the pit of her stomach had become a fully-fledged panic attack. She'd had these panic attacks before and did not really feel the need to share it with her friends. She was ashamed as she felt that she didn't really have anything to be panicking for. She had a nice, warm family, four very good friends and she had all the material things one could wish for. Compared to the inhumane situations she had seen people live in while volunteering abroad, her problems seemed to be insignificant. She was afraid that when she would tell someone they would think she was just seeking attention. But the panic attacks were beginning to really frighten her. She couldn't breathe, her heart was pounding in her chest like crazy, and felt like she had to throw up. Sometimes it got so bad that she thought she was dying. She knew she had to do something about it, but she just wasn't sure what that something was. She was planning to tell Alison about some of her problems this morning, but she was in hospital now and probably had other things on her mind. Now she just wanted to go home and lie in bed for a while, or actually the entire day. Although she really wanted to see Alison, she was scared of seeing her and breaking down. After sitting down on a bench in front of the restaurant for a while, waiting for her panic attack to wear off, Emily walked home, leaving her four friends stunned by what just had happened.

'Well that was weird' Hanna broke the silence after Emily had fled the restaurant. 'I'm worried about her' Aria said, 'she seems to be down lately'. They looked at Spencer, who was absorbed in thought. 'What are you thinking, Spence?' Hanna asked. 'Hm? Oh, yeah there's definitely something going on with her' Spencer said, 'let's see how she's doing this afternoon and then maybe talk to her about it' she proposed. 'Sounds good, can we order food now? I feel like I haven't had a proper meal in ages' Hanna grunted, caressing her stomach. 'Do you ever think about anything other than food?' Aria sighed. 'Nah, not really' Hanna grinned.


	3. Chapter 3

The girls had a lot to catch up on. They had all been busy with studies and jobs the past three years, but hung out together as often as possible. It was the first week of summer, which meant that they would get to see each other more often in the upcoming months. Spencer just finished her third year at UPenn, she was top of her class in the The Huntsman Program in International Studies & Business, a highly selective program. She had a break now, and came back to Rosewood to help Rosewood High's Academic Decathlon team prepare for their upcoming quiz. Spencer was still in a relationship with Toby, who had actually proposed to her just a few weeks ago. The wedding was set to happen just after Spencer would graduate from UPenn.

Aria never left Rosewood. After High School, she went on to Hollis College to get her Bachelor of Arts. She was majoring in creative writing, but had also followed courses in photography and linguistics. She recently graduated with honors and had a long break before starting her Masters. Two months ago she started dating Ezra again, they had taken it slowly because of the history they had together. Aria wondered whether she could ever thrust him like she used to do before she found out about the book he was writing about Alison's disappearance.

Hanna just got back from Paris, where she studied for a semester a the Paris Fashion Institute. She was doing a bachelor in Fashion Design at the Parsons School for Design in New York. When they first met for drinks last Monday, Hanna had talked non-stop about her French adventures. She had kissed with numerous French guys, and even had something that resembled a real relationship with an Italian guy, who she had met when she was in Rome for a week. Although Hanna seemed very happy, the girls knew that she missed Caleb a lot. He had moved to California when Hanna moved to New York, and the long distance relationship hadn't worked out. However, Toby, had seen Caleb around Rosewood lately. The girls had not told Hanna yet, as they didn't want to upset her, but they knew the two former lovebirds would walk into each other soon, as Rosewood was a small town.

Emily had gone to California, to be with Paige. After the disappointment of not getting a swimming scholarship, she had decided to do a Bachelor in Exercise Physiology at California State University. However, soon everything went down hill, and when Paige broke up with her half a year ago, she dropped out of college and moved back to Rosewood to pick up her old job at The Brew. She had been an emotional wreck ever since. Even though the girls knew she hadn't been doing well from the Skype and the WhatsApp conversations they had had, when they got back to Rosewood they were still a bit shocked to see _how_ bad she was actually doing.

Because of all the trouble A had caused, Alison had graduated from high school a year later than the other girls. By then, she really wanted to leave Rosewood. Not only for the obvious reasons, but also because, after Spencer had left for college, Veronica Hastings had noticed how lonely she felt. To make matters worse, she had found a remedy for her loneliness in Ali's dad. They had been living together for 2.5 years now. Ali didn't want a new mom and definitely not one named Veronica Hastings. So she went to Bucknell University in Lewisberg, approximately 1.5 hours driving from Rosewood, where she studied history. Lately she had been thinking about transferring to Hollis, because Noel had a job in Rosewood and she would be closer to her friends.

Over the past three years, all the girls had experienced the normal struggles people their age go through. However, they had some extra baggage. And although they sometimes thought that A's influence was starting to wear off, it never took long for them to realize that the events of their teenage lives would stay with them for a long time, if not forever. Luckily they didn't have to go through it alone; if one of the girls had an especially hard time, she knew she could count on the others to help her through it. 'Do you think we let Emily down?' Aria asked, 'I mean, I knew she wasn't doing well and I've been in Rosewood the entire time but didn't really make time for her'. 'We've all been busy' Spencer replied, 'but yeah, maybe we should look after each other more'. Although the other girls had regular Skype meetings, Spencer was the one who always had to write an essay, run for a board position or take part in a debate. 'Anyways, we all know that it's Alison she really wants and we can't give her that, can we?' Hanna said, while sipping from her drink. 'You're back to your sensitive self, I see' Spencer gave her an annoyed look. 'I mean, I love Emily as much as you do, but I think it's Alison she wants and needs. She's just heartbroken' Hanna explained. 'Yeah about that…' Aria looked at Spencer as a way of telling her to tell Hanna about Caleb being back in town. Spencer shook her head, but wasn't subtle enough. 'What?' Hanna asked, looking confused. 'Nothing' Spencer said. Aria kicked her under the table. 'Spencer didn't want to tell you, but you have to know that Caleb's back in town Han' Aria said while giving Spencer angry glances. 'Oh…' Hanna said, 'well that's none of my business anymore I guess'. Although Hanna tried to sound like she didn't care, Spencer and Aria knew better. 'I thought it'd be better if you knew, in case you ran into him' Aria explained. 'Yeah, well I'm totally over him, we're friends now' Hanna said with a smile on her face which her friends knew to be fake. 'What do you think happened to Alison?' Hanna changed the subject, 'I mean, when we saw her Monday she seemed fine, right?'. 'Hmm I don't know, she was a bit absentminded in my opinion' Aria noted. 'Yeah, and is it just me or did she lose some weight?' Spencer added. 'She's always been thin' Hanna answered, 'and obsessed with her body, and anyone else's for that matter' thinking back of when she was still Hefty Hanna and Alison was supposedly helping her lose weight. 'Well I guess we'll find out this afternoon, no use getting all worked up about it now' Spencer said while giving the waiter a sign that they wanted to pay.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys, just wanted to let you know that the similarities in this story with what is happening now in the series is coincidental. I wrote it before the episode was released. Please let me know what you think in a review! Thanks for reading :) **

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In the hospital Alison had undergone an MRI scan to rule out damage to other bones and internal organs. Luckily everything seemed to be fine. It was kind of a miracle that the only damage her accident had caused was a broken wrist and a concussion. The reasons for her fainting were more alarming than the fact she fell of the stairs. Around 3 pm Dr. Jones came to check in on Alison. 'Could you please get me some tea?' she asked Noel. She didn't want him in there. She wanted to tell him of her pregnancy in her own time, when she felt ready. When Noel had left Dr. Jones asked Alison some more questions and informed her that she would receive fluid replacement through intravenous therapy, as she was dehydrated. 'You'll also have to start eating better, otherwise we'll have to find other means to nourish you and your baby'. 'Baby!?' Noel exclaimed. He dropped the cup of tea he was holding. He was just walking into the room when Dr. Jones made mention of Alison's secret. The doctor looked dumbfounded. 'Please don't be mad' she pleaded with tears in her eyes. 'I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't. I didn't know what to do Noel, I thought you might get angry'. She started to hyperventilate. While Dr. Jones attended to Alison, giving her extra oxygen and trying to get her to breathe normally again, Noel sat down with his head in his hands. It took several minutes for Alison to calm down. 'Erm, I'll leave you two' Dr. Jones left the room. After 10 minutes of silence, except for Alison's quiet sobbing, Noel went to sit by Alison's side, which made her sob even more. After holding her tight for several minutes, he whispered in her ear. 'I'm not angry'. 'You- you're not?' she asked, sniffling. 'No. I'm just worried. But we'll be fine, we'll get through this. I love you Ali', he brushed away her tears and kissed her. 'I love you too' she said, giving him a weak smile.

After cuddling for a while, Noel broke the silence. 'Ali, I really think it's time we called your dad'. 'Can't you call him after the girls are gone? I don't want him waltzing in like he always does. And also don't tell him about the, erm… the baby, he'll go ballistic' she said, while a flush of embarrassment crept up her face. 'Sure, I won't tell him anything. What about Jason?' he asked. 'I don't know… I haven't seen him in a while and he can't be in the same room with dad and Veronica. Maybe call him when I'm home?' she asked tentatively, knowing that Noel wouldn't agree. 'I think we should at least let him know you're here. Even though you haven't talked in a while, he still cares. I'll send him a text' Noel answered. Although they had a lot to discuss, they just lay in Alison's hospital bed. Neither of them said a word, but you could almost hear their brains rattle. 'How long have you been pregnant?' Noel asked eventually. 'Around 12 weeks' Alison whispered. '12 weeks?' he asked, 'why didn't you tell me earlier?'. 'I've only known for a week. I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I was scared'. 'How did this happen Ali?' 'I don't know…' she lied. She thought she might know why she was pregnant even though she was taking birth control pills. She had been throwing up regularly during the past months, so she could eat when she wasn't alone, but not gain any weight. Noel saw she had tears in her eyes again. 'It doesn't matter' he said, we'll discuss it later, okay?'. 'Yeah, okay' Alison felt relieved, she didn't feel like discussing this now. 'Just rest a bit before the girls arrive' he kissed her forehead.

When the girls arrived, Noel left to get some food. After many hugs, there was an awkward silence. As happened often, Hanna was the one to break the silence. 'So… What happened Ali? We were worried'. 'Noel told you, right? I fainted and fell of the stairs'. 'Yeah but how could this happen Alison?' Aria asked. 'I don't know, I felt dizzy and suddenly everything went dark. Maybe I had gotten out of bed too fast' she lied. The girls looked at each other, they knew when one of them was lying. 'Are you eating enough?' Hanna blurted out. 'Han!' Spencer gave her an angry look. Alison's face had gone red. She tried to compose herself. 'What do you mean Han? Eating enough by your standards, or mine?' she regretted it the moment she said it. Hanna bit her lip. 'I'm sorry Han… It's just, I don't know what's happening. I just want a bit of control but everything is going wrong' Alison started crying again. 'What's wrong Ali?' Emily crouched beside her in bed, looking worried. She hadn't said a word since they arrived. When she saw Alison in the hospital bed, with all those machines and the IV she got scared. Alison grabbed her hand, 'I don't know, it'll be fine, it's just… it's all a bit much' she managed to say in between sobs. Emily squeezed her hand. 'Ali… you know you can tell us everything' Spencer said. 'Hanna is right…' she admitted, 'I've had trouble with eating. I just need to have control over something, and I don't want to have control over others like I used to, so I decided to control my body'. The girls looked at her with pity in their eyes. Alison couldn't stand that, she didn't want their pity. But that's what you get when you're weak, she thought. 'You'll get through it, we'll help you' Hanna promised. She had gone through it years ago, and although she still blamed Alison for it, she didn't wish it on anyone. 'Yeah, you're going to get trough this Ali' Aria added, 'we've been through worse'. Alison didn't know about that. Although she agreed worse things had happened to her, like being stabbed and betrayed by her own sister, she has never felt quite so helpless like she did now. 'How long do you have to stay?' Emily asked. 'I don't know' she said, 'they'll have to wake me every few hours because of the concussion. But maybe I'll get to leave tomorrow'. Alison knew she wouldn't get to leave tomorrow, but she didn't want to worry the girls more than she already had.

When the girls were about to leave, Alison asked Emily to stay a bit longer. 'What is it, Ali?' asked Emily when she had gotten back in bed beside her. 'Well… about what I just told you… There's something else' she said with a trembling voice. 'What is it, Ali?' Emily asked seriously worried. 'I just want you to be the first to know that I'm… I'm… I don't know how to tell you Em' she had tears in her eyes now. 'To know that you're what Ali? Please tell me what's wrong, I've been worried sick' Emily had that worried look all over her. That was exactly why Alison was hesitating to tell her, she was worried she wouldn't take it well. 'Ali? Please!' Emily asked while staring at her friend with those begging eyes of her. 'I'm… I'm pregnant Em' she said quietly. Emily was shocked, a tear rolled down her cheek. 'I'm sorry Emmy, I just had to tell someone' she said, while squeezing her hand. She knew her best friend had had a crush on her for years. Emily didn't look at her, 'it's okay', she said quietly. Emily tried to get herself together. Although she knew she didn't stand a chance with Alison, this still came as a blow. It was like it was final now; she would never be with Alison. 'I didn't plan on this happening' Alison said, snapping Emily out of trance. 'I know you didn't' Emily said, 'but it'll be fine, everything will be fine. I'll be here for you, we all will'. She hugged her friend. She would always love her, even though Alison would never love her back the way she longed for. 'I love you, Em' Alison whispered in her ear. 'I love you, too' Emily replied, fighting her tears.

When Emily closed the door to Alison's room behind her, she gave way to her tears. She'd been holding them in for so long, she couldn't do it anymore. She had felt miserable before she visited Ali, but instead of feeling better after talking to her, she actually felt worse. She almost ran through the hospital, she wanted to get home without anyone seeing her in this state. 'Em?' she heard a familiar voice, 'where are you going? We've been waiting for you'. Emily stopped walking. Hanna, Spencer and Aria stood up from the seats in the waiting room. 'We're your drive remember' Hanna said, sounding a bit annoyed. Suddenly, Aria saw Emily was crying. 'Em, are you okay?'. Emily didn't know what to say, she tried to stop crying but the tears kept coming. Aria hugged her, 'it's okay Em, calm down'. 'What happened?' Spencer asked. 'What did she tell you? We know she didn't tell us everything' Hanna added. Aria gave her a warning look. 'What? You know it's true'. 'We know Hanna, but it's not important now' Spencer said annoyed. 'I'm sorry' Hanna bit her lip, 'Em, do you wanna go home?'. She nodded. 'Okay, let's go then. We can talk later, everything will be fine Em' Hanna hugged her and took her arm. They drove home in silence, but Emily knew that soon she would have to tell her friends about what was bothering her, and that frightened her a bit.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

'Are you okay?'. Noel walked into his girlfriend's hospital room and saw she had been crying. 'Yeah, it was a bit emotional, that's all. Will you come lie with me for a bit?' she asked. He got into her bed and started holding her, 'How did they take it?'. 'Well… I didn't tell them everything. I only told Emily about the baby thing, I think she was kind of shocked'. 'Maybe she'll leave you alone now', Noel grimaced. 'Noel! I love her, she's my best friend' Alison didn't want to have this discussion again. 'I know, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just jealous' Noel felt stupid for bringing it up, again. They had argued over this so many times. He just couldn't get the idea that Alison liked Emily more than just a friend out of his head. Not only the way she talked about her, but especially the way she looked at her was worrying him. 'Let's not talk about this right now' Alison said. 'No you're right' they were silent for a while. Visiting hours were almost over and Noel noticed that Alison could barely keep her eyes open. 'Are you okay staying here alone tonight? I can ask them to put an extra bed in your room?' Noel knew his girlfriend didn't like hospitals. 'No, I'll be fine. Just go home and have a good night's sleep' Alison tried to be brave. She didn't like sleeping alone, over the past three years she had hardly ever slept alone. She still got nightmares, and being in a hospital would probably only make it worse. 'Okay, I'll go to my parent's house. I'll be back early tomorrow' he kissed her forehead. 'Don't you have to go to work?'. 'It's Saturday tomorrow, Ali' he looked at her, worried. 'Oh yeah, I know, it's been a hectic day' she smiled weakly. 'You should get some rest, this concussion isn't getting any better. I've to leave in 30 minutes, maybe you'll be asleep before I have to go'. Although Noel thought Alison was asleep when he got up and kisser her forehead, she was fully awake pretending to be asleep. When she was certain he was gone, she opened her eyes and let her tears flow freely. She felt so confused, about everything that had happened today, about not having control, about her pregnancy, about Noel, and, of course, about Emily.

Emily lived in an apartment above the Brew. When they got there, the other girls were shocked by the mess. It was not like Emily to leave her filthy clothes on the floor and her unwashed dishes in the sink. Although they didn't say anything about it, the girls did exchange some worried looks. Emily didn't notice though; as soon as they got inside she sat down on the couch, not saying a word. 'I'll make you some tea' Aria was scurrying through the kitchen, trying to find four clean cups. 'Em, what's going on? It's a mess in here' Hanna was being blunt as always. This time the other girls didn't really mind though, they were shocked by the state of the place. 'What?' Emily asked absentminded. 'Why are you being such a slob, why aren't you taking care of yourself?' Hanna sounded almost angry, but her eyes were full of worry and pity. She cared a lot for Emily, before she left for New York she used to hang out with her the most. However, over the past three years they had hardly seen each other and Emily had grown a bit distant. 'I don't know…' Emily had tears in her eyes. The girls were waiting for her to say something, but nothing came. 'Em, we want to help you, but you need to tell us what's going on' Spencer said. Emily didn't respond, but tears were streaming down her face now. 'Is it about Ali?' Aria asked. Emily sniffled and dried her tears, 'can we please not do this now? I'd really rather be alone'. The girls were taken aback by their friend's behavior. 'Are you sure?' Spencer asked. 'Emily, you're being ridiculous. Just tell us what's going on' Hanna's annoyance with her friend had grown bigger than the pity and worry she felt for her. Emily got angry now too. 'Just leave, okay? I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm sorry, I know you mean well, but it's all such a mess, I just… I can't handle this. Not right now' Emily was shaking and had tears in her eyes. Suddenly Hanna felt horrible, 'I'm sorry Em, we'll leave you alone. I didn't mean to upset you, I'm just worried'. 'I know, I'm sorry, we'll talk about later, okay? Right now I just need to be alone' Emily calmed down a bit. The girls got their stuff and left. When they were at the door Hanna turned around, 'don't do anything stupid, okay?'. 'I won't' Emily said, she hugged Hanna.

When the girls had left, she lay down in bed. Although Hanna's final remark had seemed innocent, Emily knew better. Three years ago, just before they had uncovered A, Emily had felt miserable. Back then the only one she had confided in was Hanna. She had told her how she had been hurting herself and had caught herself thinking about death all the time. Hanna's remark at the door made her realize it was happening again. She had felt the urge to hurt herself for a few days now, but had been able to ignore it. After what had happened today, she wasn't so sure she could keep ignoring it. As she hated seeing blood, Emily had always burned herself. It was easy to do, easy to hide and if anyone saw it, it was easy to come up with an excuse. Because she worked at the Brew she had to bake and cook food regularly, it wasn't that weird that she'd burn herself 'accidentally'. Although she had just told Hanna that she wouldn't do anything stupid, she couldn't ignore the urge anymore. She had to do it. Although she knew that the relief would only be temporary and that she would feel stupid afterward, she wasn't strong enough. She was sick of herself. She wasn't cleaning her house, she wasn't being there for her friends and worst of all she had felt jealousy when Ali, had told her about her pregnancy. How could she be so mean? Alison had been in tears and was obviously desperate when she told her. Her friend needed her, and she could only think of herself and how this would affect her chances of ever getting together with Ali. She walked into the kitchen and turned the hotplate on. When it was scorching hot, she put her wrist on the edge of the hotplate. A few seconds was enough to leave a burn of about 2/3 cm in width. Although it hurt like hell, she didn't allow herself to cool it with water. She had to endure this, this was her punishment. For being weak. For being in love with Ali. For being a slob. For not being brave when her friend needed her. And for hurting herself in the first place. She didn't even understand why she had to do it, she just knew it was an urge she couldn't resist. She felt relieved for several minutes; she'd deserved this. After that she felt like a failure. She had promised Hanna she wouldn't do it. Emily collapsed on her bed and started crying.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi! Just wanted to warn you; there's stuff about eating disorders in this chapter. Also, please please please let me know what you think! If you review my writing I can improve/change it, and that would help a lot!**

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 **Chapter 6**

When Alison woke up in the middle of the night, she saw she had missed two calls from Hanna. There was also a text.

 **Hey Ali, can I come by tomorrow? I'm worried about Em… X**

Alison's heart dropped. The pit she'd had in her stomach since Emily left grew ten times bigger. She texted Hanna back immediately.

 **Han, of course. What happened? She's okay right? X**

She hoped Hanna would text her back, telling her Emily was fine, but after half an hour she realized Hanna was probably asleep. Alison tried to fall asleep again too, but she was worried about Emily and kept tossing and turning. She decided to text Emily, just so she would feel a bit better.

 **Emmy, loved seeing you today! I hope you're okay, will you visit me tomorrow? Love you! - Ali.**

To her surprise she got a text back after a few minutes. She was anxious to open it.

 **Of course I'll visit tomorrow! You should be asleep, babe. Don't worry too much and get some rest xxxx**

The fact that it was 3am and that Emily didn't mention how she was, made it clear for Alison that something was wrong. She felt helpless. After more tossing and turning, she finally fell asleep around 4am. She was woken up by a nurse bringing her breakfast around 8am. 'Good morning miss DiLaurentis' she said while putting her breakfast on her bed tray. 'Good morning' Alison felt incredibly tired and was hoping the nurse would leave soon. Unfortunately, the nurse sat down. Alison looked at her as to say that she could leave now. The nurse got the message, but was not leaving 'I'll have to stay until you've finished your breakfast miss DiLaurentis. You have to eat well, it's important for you and the baby'. Alison felt the tears coming to her eyes. The one thing she controlled in her life was taken away from her. 'Ehm, I'm not sure whether I can, err, eat all this' she stammered, looking at the bowl of cereal, the banana and the glass of orange juice the nurse had put in front of her. Normally she would skip breakfast, and maybe have an apple around 11. 'Just give it a try' the nurse said, looking at her with an encouraging smile. After looking at the food for a while, she picked up the spoon and began to play around with her food. 'Miss DiLaurentis…'. 'You can call me Alison'. 'Err, okay, Alison, can I help you? I mean, can I do something to make this easier for you?' the nurse seemed really sympathetic, but Alison couldn't help but dislike her. 'Well you could leave', she snapped at her. 'I'm sorry but I cannot leave before you've eaten…' she had that pitiful look in her eyes. Alison hated her for it, even though she knew that wasn't fair. Alison dreaded taking that first bite, because she knew her hunger would then get the better of her. 'You weren't here yesterday, and it went fine then' she lied. 'We know you threw away your dinner yesterday, Alison. I understand that you have spoken with Dr. Sullivan before?' the nurse asked. 'Erm, yes I have, why?' Alison got a bit anxious now. 'She'll visit you this morning, she is going to help you' the nurse explained. 'Help me with what? I'm fine' Alison tried to sound confident, but the nurse heard how scared she was. 'It's going to be fine' she said. Alison continued playing with her food and it was quiet for a while. Suddenly the door to Alison's room flung open and a man marched in. It was her dad.

'Alison, what's going on? I immediately flew in when I got the text' he sounded sort of angry, as usual. 'I'm sorry sir, but visitor hours start in an hour and a half.' 'I don't care, this is my daughter, I want to know what's going on' he said angry. 'But sir, we're in the middle…' the nurse couldn't finish her sentence. 'I said I don't care, you can get your manager, but I won't leave'. The nurse gave him a resentful look and walked out of the room. 'Dad… I'm… What...' Alison was in shock. 'What's going on Alison?' he asked again. 'I… I'm…' she stammered. 'Alison, talk to me. God damn it'. She knew her dad was worried, but she hated it when he was like this. Normally she would snap at him, but now she shut down. When he saw she had tears in her eyes his face softened. 'I'm sorry Ali, I'm just worried. This Noel guy texts me my daughter is in hospital after she fell of the stairs, how am I supposed to feel?'. 'I don't know… I'm sorry dad. I'm okay though, it's just a concussion' she said quietly. 'How the hell did this happen Ali? He pushed you, didn't he?' he clenched his fists. 'No!' Alison cried out, 'no dad, no such thing happened. Noel's good to me, don't worry'. 'Hm okay. But you could've called earlier' he seemed to have calmed down a bit. 'I know, I'm sorry dad. It's just… we haven't talked in a while and I… I don't know, I just didn't want to worry you'. 'You're my only daughter Alison, I am always worried'. It hurt Alison that he called her his only daughter. He still denied Charlotte existence. Alison got a pit in her stomach when she thought about the day that she found out that A was actually her sister Charlotte, who had been locked up in Radley since she was a child. That same day, Charlotte had supposedly killed herself by jumping of a building in New York. Supposedly, because her body was never found… It was because of this that the girls were still scared she might come back. Although Alison was scared too, she was also sad because she had lost a sister she never had the chance to get to know. Although normally she wouldn't let her father get away with saying he had only one daughter, she didn't feel like arguing with him right now. She just didn't have the strength. 'How long are they gonna keep you here?' Alison snapped out of her thoughts. 'Uhm… I'm not sure, they said they want to keep me for observation'. 'I want to talk to your doctor; you're coming home with me. I'm staying here for a while and Veronica can look after you too' he said. 'No dad, that's not necessary. I'm sure I get to leave soon and Noel will take care of me' she knew that protesting wouldn't work, but still tried. 'I think it's better you stayed with us for a while Alison. You look miserable and Noel has to work all week. Veronica can watch you the whole day' she knew that she couldn't change her dad's mind, but she really didn't want to come with him. She was not a little girl anymore, he couldn't make her. 'Who's your doctor?' he asked. 'Dr. Jones. But dad, I really don't think it's a good idea. Me and Veronica… we don't really get along you know, and I'm fine, really!'. 'Alison, this is not a negotiation. I'm your father, and if I say you're coming with me, then…' at that moment Dr. Sullivan walked in. 'Good morning mister DiLaurentis, good morning Alison. I didn't want to interrupt you, but it's time for your therapy Alison'. 'Therapy? She hasn't gone to therapy in a year' mister Dilaurentis said. 'Yes, but under the circumstances Dr. Jones thought it would be beneficial for Alison to talk to me again'. 'Which circumstances?' he looked at Alison, clearly confused about what was going on, 'what is happening Alison?'. 'Dad…' she sighed, 'I'll explain later, okay?'. Mister DiLaurentis was clearly getting angry again, but didn't want to argue in front of Dr. Sullivan, who he respected for the work she'd done with Alison before. 'Okay, but I'll be back later today and I expect a good explanation for this Alison'. 'Yes dad, I'm sorry' she was relieved when he finally walked out the door, but scared for what would happen when he came back…

'So, Alison, how are you? I heard from Dr. Jones that you had some issues?' Alison liked Dr. Sullivan, and although she had felt comfortable discussing A with her, she didn't feel that comfortable now. 'I'm okay, I guess' she said, averting her eyes. 'Are you sure about that?' Dr. Sullivan asked nicely. 'I'm… I just…' Alison started crying. Everything she had been worried about hit her so hard she had to gasp for air. 'It's okay, breathe in slowly through your nose, and exhale through your mouth. Yes, like that, that's it' Dr. Sullivan tried to calm her down. 'I'm sorry' Alison sniffled when she had calmed down, 'it's just, I need to have control'. 'I know' Alison had often discussed her urge to control everything with Dr. Sullivan. 'But we talked about this right? You have to try to let it go Alison. Have you been able to do that lately?' Dr. Sullivan had taught Alison some techniques that would help her be less dependent on having to control everything and everyone. 'Yes' Alison lied. Dr. Sullivan gave her a look by which Alison knew that she knew she had lied. 'No…' Alison bit her lip. 'What's going on Alison?' Dr. Sullivan looked like she really cared. 'I… I've sort of… I've sort of not been eating' Alison looked down. 'How long has this been going on?'. 'A few weeks…' she admitted quietly. 'Do you think you need help?'. Alison was fighting her tears now. She took a while before she answered. 'Yeah… yeah, I guess I do…' she said looking Dr. Sullivan in the eye for the first time. She started crying again, 'I'm sorry, I'm so stupid'. 'Don't say that Alison, you've been brave. Admitting you need help is the first step to getting better. I'm going to discuss this with Dr. Jones. You do need to try to eat your breakfast though' when Dr. Sullivan saw Alison's helpless eyes she said, 'just try… it's important Alison. For you… and your baby'. Alison looked up, 'you know?', she said with a quavering voice. 'Yes, Dr. Jones told me. You need to eat Alison, otherwise they have to find another way to give your body the nutrients it needs'. That scared Alison. 'It's going to be fine Alison' she said, putting a hand on her shoulder before she left. Alison looked at the food that was still in front of her. The cereals had gone all soggy and the pulp in her orange juice had dropped to the bottom of her glass. She was disgusted by it and pushed it away. The food flew through her room and she started sobbing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi guys, I've been busy so took a bit longer than usually. Still don't know where I'm going, suggestions welcome! Please review!**

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 **Chapter 7**

When Hanna walked in, a nurse was cleaning up the food Alison had flung through the room. She saw Alison had been crying. 'Hey Ali, what's going on?' she asked quietly, while squeezing her hand. She almost didn't recognize Alison, if it weren't for the wavy golden locks and beautiful big blue eyes, she would have thought she was squeezing a desperate young girl's hand she didn't know; she seemed so panicky. Hanna hadn't seen Alison like this in ages. 'Han… I don't know, I really need help. I need em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"your /emhelp'. 'My help?' Hanna was perplexed, not a lot of people asked her for help, certainly not Alison. 'I… I need to know how you stopped it' Alison said. Alison had never thought she would ever ask Hanna for help either. Especially not about this. She felt a bit guilty asking her for help. She knew it was her fault that Hanna had gotten an eating disorder in the first place. 'How I stopped what?' Hanna obviously had no idea what her friend was talking about. 'The not eating Han… The throwing up, the secrets. I need it to stop', Alison couldn't look at Hanna. She felt so ashamed. She hated being in a situation like this. She never asked for help, and certainly not about something so personal she felt so ashamed about. 'Erm…' Hanna clearly felt uncomfortable, 'I don't know Ali, I don't know if it's the same. I mean, I never got so thin it was dangerous for my health, because I got help before it even came to that. But talking to Dr. Sullivan helped a lot, I guess. It made me less insecure and less dependent on…' Hanna stopped talking mid sentence and looked away from her friend in the hospital bed. 'On what?' Alison asked. 'On you…', Hanna said while her face turned red. Alison felt a flash of anger racing through her body, but quickly realized Hanna was right. 'I know… I'm sorry Han, for everything I did to you. You know that, right?'. Hanna nodded, not looking her friend in the eye. 'I really am Hanna, you have to believe me'. Hanna looked up, only to see a tear rolling down Alison's cheek. 'I know… I know Ali, you've changed', although she had told herself this hundreds of times, this was the first time she actually believed Alison had changed for good. She hugged Alison, who broke down in tears. After a few minutes, Alison calmed down. 'I'm sorry I asked you about that Hanna. I've talked to Dr. Sullivan this morning, but I just couldn't eat my breakfast, I feel so stupid'. 'It's okay. I'm sure it's going to be fine, Dr. Sullivan is good at what she does, she will help you and we will support you' Hanna smiled encouraging. 'Thanks Han' Alison smiled back weakly.

The girls were silent for a few minutes, until Alison remembered the text she got last night. 'You came to talk about something else, right? You came to talk about Emily' Alison sounded very serious now. 'Yeah… Emily would probably not like me saying this to you, but the thing is, we're all very worried about her. And I was wondering whether you know what's going on with her?' Hanna explained. 'Erm… No, not really. I mean, she was quiet yesterday, but otherwise she seemed okay, right?' Alison didn't want to believe Emily wasn't doing well. She wasn't sure she could handle that. 'Well, I wanted to ask you about that, because when we saw her come out of your room after she stayed a little longer, she was crying' Hanna said. Alison felt like someone had hit her in the stomach. 'Ali are you okay? You've become very pale'. Alison swallowed away her tears. 'It's my fault' she whispered. 'What did you do?' Hanna suddenly went 5 years back in time, to when it sounded very logical that one of their friends' crying was Alison's wrongdoing. 'I… I, erm, I told her something, a secret' Alison looked down. 'We don't do secrets anymore Alison, you know that' Hanna's voice had changed from sweet and caring to worried and stern. 'I know, but I just, I had to tell someone… I had to tell em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"her/em…' Alison felt so small. It was like the world was upside down, five years ago it would have been Hanna sitting there not knowing where to look. 'What did you tell her Ali?' Hanna began to get angry. 'I… I…' Alison started crying. Hanna rolled her eyes. She couldn't help but be annoyed with her friend. She had seen so many of Alison's tears in just 24 hours. She waited until Alison had calmed down a bit. 'What is it Ali? You know you can tell me. Remember, no secrets anymore' Hanna said, sounding strict. Alison looked her friend in the eyes and Hanna saw the desperation she felt. When Hanna was about to say that it was okay, that if she really didn't want to tell her secret she didn't have to, Alison looked away. 'I'm pregnant' Alison whispered. 'Oh Ali…' Hanna gasped.

Emily didn't want to get up. She felt so down that she just wanted to stay in bed all day, doing nothing, not even watch a movie or read a book. She just lay in bed, thinking, crying, sleeping. Around 1pm she got a message from Aria.

 **Hey Em! Fancy a coffee?**

She grunted. She really didn't want to leave the house, not even to visit Alison, even though she had promised she would. But before she could text back she heard knocking at her door. She didn't want to answer and pulled her duvet over her head. However, the person at the door didn't seem to leave and kept knocking. Emily got up, walked to the door and looked through the peephole. It was Aria, holding two cups of coffee in her hands. 'I know you're there Em', Emily sighed, contemplating whether or not to open the door. 'Please Em'. Emily couldn't just let her stand there, and cautiously opened the door. She saw that Aria was shocked by how she looked, even though she tried to hide it. 'Hi Emmy, I thought you could use some good coffee' she smiled sweetly. Emily let her in. For a few minutes they sat quietly, sipping their coffee. 'So, erm, how did you sleep?' Aria broke the silence. 'Fine' Emily lied. 'Good! Are you going to visit Alison today?' Aria ignored the lie. 'I don't know yet… I am supposed to go, but I don't really feel like it to be honest' Emily said. 'Why not?' Aria asked, her big eyes not looking away from Emily for even a second. 'I don't know… I feel down and I just don't feel like leaving the house. I want to be alone and not to see anyone… No offense' Emily said looking down. 'Non taken. It's okay to feel like that sometimes, sweetie…' Aria looked at Emily, who was avoiding her glare. After a few moment of silence Aria continued, 'but it's not sometimes you feel like that, right Em? You've felt like this for quite a while, I think'. A tear rolled down Emily's cheek, she nodded. 'I know you find it hard to talk about this, but I really think it would help. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but please Em, talk to someone'. Emily nodded again, tears now streaming down her face. Aria felt so sorry for her friend, she wished she could help her, but could only do so if Emily let her. Feeling quite useless, she decided to hug her friend 'it's going to be okay Em, I promise'.

After sitting quietly for a while, Aria thought Emily might want her to leave. When she was about to get up to get her things, Emily started talking. 'Aria, I have to tell you something, but you have to promise to not tell it to the others, not yet'. 'What is it Em? You know secrets are toxic. I can't promise to not tell the others' Aria got a strange feeling in her stomach. She wasn't used to keeping secrets anymore and didn't like having them at all. 'It's not really my secret, it's Ali's' Emily looked distraught. 'Is this why you had to cry yesterday, why you were so upset?' Aria asked. 'Yes… I mean, you know that I like Alison right', Emily's started blushing, 'as in, I'm in love with her'. 'I do' Aria looked compassionately at Emily. 'Well…' Emily had to swallow away her tears, 'she told me she's pregnant'. 'What?' Aria exclaimed, her eyes bulged out in astonishment. 'Yeah, that's what I thought as well' Emily sighed. 'But how? I mean, she uses protection right? Oh my god, this is, well… I don't know' Aria rattled. When she saw that Emily had tears in her eyes, she stopped talking to hug her again, 'I'm so sorry Emmy. I don't know what to say…'. 'It's okay; it's not your fault. I need to talk to Alison, this is between her and me' Emily wiped away her tears. 'I just thought…' Emily started. Aria looked at her expectedly. 'Never mind' Emily looked away. Aria contemplated for a bit, 'you thought she might like you the way you like her?' she then asked quietly. 'Yeah…' Emily whispered. 'Just go talk to her Em, the sooner the better. You need to get out of this house anyway, it is smelly. I've an idea; if you go to Alison, I'll clean up in here'. 'You don't have to do that' Emily felt ashamed of the mess. 'It is really no problem Em, that's what friends are for. You would have done the same for me' Aria smiled at her. 'I guess… Thanks Aria' Emily gave her a weak smile back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

'How did this happen Ali?' Hanna was shocked by what her friend just told her. 'I don't know…' Alison bit her lip. 'Ali…' Hanna knew she was lying. Alison sighed in annoyance, 'alright… I-I think it happened because I started throwing up…'. 'How could you let it come this far Ali? You know you can talk about this kind of stuff with us- with me' although from all the girls Alison was the one Hanna talked the least to about her problems, she would always be there for her. After what they went through together that was only logical. Moreover, even though Hanna had a hard time trusting Alison, she still had a weak spot for her, like the other girls had. Alison had tears in her eyes, em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"again. /emHanna couldn't help but be a bit annoyed with her. 'No wonder Emily was so upset' she knew it wasn't fair to blame this on Alison. It was quite mean actually, as she knew that Alison, out of the girls, cared for Emily the most. She had expected Alison to play dumb, but to her surprise she nodded. 'I know… I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt her, but I had to tell her first, otherwise it would have been even worse'. 'So you know?' Hanna asked, she couldn't say she was surprised. It was pretty obvious that Emily was in love with Alison. 'Of course I know… I've known for years and sometimes I think I… Never mind' Alison looked away. 'You think what Ali?' Hanna asked. Alison remained silent for a while. 'Sometimes I think I love her too…' she then whispered. Hanna's jaw dropped. 'Wh- how, but you're with Noel?' Hanna managed to say after seconds of confusion. 'I don't know Han, I love Noel, he's been my rock, but… I don't know… there's something about Emily, I can't explain it. She's just so special to me' Alison explained. 'Are you kidding me? I knew it. You're unbelievable Alison' Alison and Hanna looked around in shock. Noel was standing in the doorway. 'Ho-how long have you been standing there?' Alison said shakily. 'Long enough to know that what I always thought is actually true. I've asked you about this a million times Alison, and you always wove it away as it being nothing. You've been playing me for all these years' Alison hadn't seen Noel this angry in years. He came closer and closer until Hanna blocked his way. He scared her. 'No, Noel, that's not true. I just… The feelings I have for Emily, they… they confuse me, but that doesn't change anything about the way I feel for you. I love you' Alison sounded desperate. 'You know what Alison, you and your posse can fuck off. I'm done with you. We're over' Noel threw the flowers he was holding at the foot of her bed and stormed out.

Emily was walking into the hospital when she saw Noel come rushing down. 'Noel, what's up?' she asked, worried that something had happened to Alison. Noel stopped to look who was talking to him. When he saw it was Emily he got so angry he could hardly contain himself. He got so close to her, Emily did a few steps backward. 'Are you okay?' she asked, a bit scared. 'Screw you Emily, screw you and your em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"special something/em' the last words he said in a girly voice. 'I'm sorry Noel, but I don't know what you're talking about' she said, now getting angry too. 'Of course you don't, well you've done it. You finally got what you always wanted, have fun with it, bitch' he said, and walked away. 'Wow, okay' Emily was not sure what just had happened. She decided to go to Alison's room as fast as possible, scared that something had happened to her.

Emily had barely entered the room when she started talking, 'Ali, are you okay? I just saw Noel and…'. Then Emily saw Alison was crying and Hanna was trying to comfort their friend. 'What happened?' Emily asked worried. 'Later' Hanna said. Emily crouched next to Alison on the other side of the bed. Alison then started sobbing even louder and pulled Emily in a tight hug. Emily looked at Hanna, wanting to know what had happened. Hanna shook her head and giving her a weak smile, confusing Emily even more. Once Alison started to calm down a bit, Hanna got up and gave Alison a kiss on her forehead, 'it's going to be fine Ali'. 'I'll see you later' she said, leaving Alison and Emily behind. A few minutes after Hanna had left, Alison had calmed down again. 'What happened Ali?' Emily asked quietly. 'Noel broke up with me' Alison said shakily. Emily felt a weird sensation in her stomach. It was a mix of anger and happiness. She was angry Noel had left her best friend while she was so sick and pregnant with his child. But she also felt a bit relieved; she didn't want Alison to be together with him. 'But… why? You two seemed so happy' Emily didn't want Alison to know how she felt. 'We were… It's just, I don't know, maybe he got scared' Alison lied to Emily, she didn't dare tell her the truth. She didn't want to tell her she had feelings for her and later figuring out that was actually not the case. She couldn't hurt her friend more than she already had. Although Emily knew Alison wasn't telling the truth, she didn't want to confront her with it. 'Maybe he'll come back, maybe it's just a bit much for him now…' she tried comforting her friend. 'He won't Em, it's over' Alison started crying again. 'What an asshole' Emily said, while she started holding Alison again.

'Aria? Where are you'. 'Hey Han, I'm at Emily's apartment. What's going on?' Aria answered through the phone. 'Noel left her' Hanna sounded angry. 'He did what? How can he? She's- she's…' Aria stopped talking mid-sentence. She promised Emily she wouldn't tell the others yet. 'Pregnant! I know!' Hanna finished her sentence. 'How do you know?' Aria was surprised but relieved Hanna knew too. 'She just told me. It was crazy Aria. One moment she told me she was pregnant, the other she told me she had feelings for Emily and then Noel stormed in. The asshole had been eavesdropping in the doorway all along…' Hanna rattled. 'Oh my god' Aria stammered in disbelief. 'I know! And then Emily came barging in'. 'Yeah I send her there to tell Ali how she felt. She was a mess. I'm cleaning her apartment now. Hanna?' Aria sounded strangely worried. 'Yeah?'. 'I think she's been hurting herself…' Aria said quietly. Hanna closed her eyes and sighed. She didn't know whether she should sound surprised or upset. She knew this was going to happen. She decided not to let Aria know that she knew about Emily's tendencies to harm herself. 'She what? What do you mean?' she tried to sound shocked. 'I don't know, she has burns and scratches on her arm. I'm worried Hanna…' Aria whispered. 'I'll talk to her' Hanna said, 'we have to figure out this mess before it explodes'. 'Yeah we do…' Aria sounded seriously worried. 'Are you okay?' Hanna asked. 'Yeah I'm fine, just worried. I'm going to clean up in here and then I'll inform Spencer on the situation. You talk to Emily, okay?' Aria proposed. 'Okay, talk to you later babe' Hanna hung up the phone and took a deep breath. The five girls hadn't been in such a mess since all the shit with A went down five years ago.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Hanna, Aria and Spencer were waiting for Emily to come home from visiting Alison. Although Hanna wanted to talk to Emily alone, Spencer heard what had happened, she insisted on staging an intervention with the three of them. They had expected Emily to get home hours earlier, but there was still no sign of her. 'I'm calling Ali' Hanna said. She was worried about her friend. Although Aria wasn't sure of what she had seen on Emily's arm, Hanna knew it was bad news. When she hung up, she looked at the others in alarm. 'What?' Aria asked. 'Alison says she left hours ago…' Hanna whispered. 'Where is she?' Spencer asked. 'How should I know?' Hanna snapped. 'Call her cell' Aria urged Hanna. Hanna tried reaching Emily a couple of times, but she didn't pick up. 'Should we call her mom?' Aria asked. 'No, we'll only freak her out' Spencer answered. 'We have to go looking for her' Hanna said determined. When the girls got up to get their stuff, they heard someone stumbling on the stairs. Then, it seemed like someone couldn't find the keyhole. After a few moments Emily managed to open the door. She stumbled in, wasted. Behind her, a handsome dark-haired figure appeared. It was Caleb. 'Hi' he said uncomfortably, 'I found her in the park, barely conscious, I thought I'd bring her home… I didn't know you were here'. 'Thanks for bringing her home' Hanna answered. The former lovebirds stared at each other. Aria and Spencer didn't know what to do. After a few moments of awkwardness, Spencer and Aria decided to go after Emily, who hadn't said a word, but had walked directly to the bathroom.

'So, erm… How are you?' he asked Hanna. 'I'm good, thanks… How are you? When did you get back to Rosewood?' Hanna didn't look at him anymore. It was painful looking him in the eye. She missed him, more than she would ever admit, even to herself. 'A few weeks, I got a job at that new IT shop. When did you get back from New York?'. 'I was in Paris for half a year, actually. I have summer break now'. 'Oh, Paris huh, that must have been great!' Caleb tried to sound enthusiastic. 'Yeah, it was actually' Hanna said with an awkward smile on her face. It was quiet for a while. They both avoided each other's eyes. When the silence started to become really uncomfortable, it was Caleb who asked a new question. 'So… what's going on with Emily? I haven't seen her like this since Maya left for rehab'. Hanna was glad she could talk about someone other than herself. 'It's Alison, she's in hospital and Noel broke up with her. I don't know what happened though. I thought Emily would be relieved Noel had left her. Something must have gone wrong…' she explained. 'Why is Alison in hospital?' Caleb asked, sincerely interested. 'She fell down the stairs a few days ago'. Five years ago, Hanna would have told Caleb everything, about Alison's pregnancy and the eating disorder, but she wasn't close to him like that anymore. Suddenly she felt like she was being punched in the stomach. She realized how much she missed those loyal dark eyes. She was ready to run into his arms and tell him how much she missed him when Spencer came back from the bathroom. 'Han… She won't talk to us, can you please try talking some sense into her?' Spencer sounded desperate. 'Sure' Hanna gave Caleb an apologetic smile. He smiled back at her in a way she knew he wasn't bothered. She still understood what he meant without him having to say it. She felt butterflies growing in her stomach, but tried to ignore that feeling and walked towards the bathroom, where Emily was sitting in the shower with her clothes on.

The water was ice-cold and Spencer and Aria hadn't been able to get Emily out of the shower. 'Emily, you really need to get out of that shower, you're getting a cold' Aria said. Hanna saw that Emily didn't respond. 'You're being too sweet Aria' she said. Hanna turned of the shower and before Emily could turn it on again, she grabbed her hands and pulled her up. Emily tottered. 'Woah Em, try to not fall down'. 'If you'd just let me sit, I wouldn't have to stand' Emily said, slurring. 'Yeah, but you have to get out of this shower. Take off your clothes, you have to get dry' Hanna said with a firm, but caring voice. 'I don't want to' Emily tried to get out of Hanna's grip, but Hanna just hold her more tightly. She had dealt with a drunk Emily before, and even though she would never be able to retain a sober Emily, she knew drunk Emily only resisted for a bit before giving up. 'Em, look at me' Emily looked away. 'Look at me' she said again, placing her hand softly on her chin. When Emily looked her in the eye, all she saw was sadness and desperation. 'It's going to be okay, Em. I promise you' she said softly. Then Emily broke down in tears and Hanna pulled her into a tight hug, not caring that her friend was soaking wet. When Emily had calmed down, she agreed to get out of her wet clothes and get dry. With the help of her friends, it took only a few minutes before she slid into her warm, comfy pajamas. The girls brought her to her bedroom, and tucked her into bed. After a few minutes, Caleb slipped in. 'Erm… I don't think I'm needed here anymore; I'll leave you girls to it. Get better Emily' he said. Hanna gave him a smile, to let him know she was grateful he brought Emily home safely. 'I'll call you' she mouthed to him. He smiled back at her.

When Caleb had left, the three other girls all looked at Hanna, they were all grinning. They hadn't missed Hanna's secret message to Caleb. 'Call me, Caleb, baby, I love you' Spencer said teasing. 'Oh shut up you guys' Hanna said, pretending to be annoyed, but she couldn't hide her smile. They all chuckled. After that it was quiet for a while. When Emily fell asleep, the girls went to sit in the living room. 'It's way worse than I expected' Aria said, 'I mean, she's wasted. What did Alison say to her?'. 'I've no clue, but it can't be good…' Spencer said. 'We'll have to talk to her and to Em, once she's sober that is' Hanna said. 'That might take while…', Aria rolled her eyes in disbelieve. The girls were worried before, but today had made it much worse. 'She's destroying herself, or at least she's trying to…' Spencer sighed. 'Yeah, it makes me feel so useless, I wish I could just let her realize how sweet, funny and beautiful she is…' Aria bit her lip. 'Do you think we should call her mom? I mean I feel like we're in over our heads' Spencer proposed. 'No, don't involve her mom. It will only make things worse' Hanna knew how protective Emily had become over her mom after her dad had passed away. 'I will stay here tonight and talk to her tomorrow morning. Let's take it from there, okay?' the girls didn't feel like arguing, and agreed with Hanna's proposal. When Aria and Spencer had left, Hanna slid into bed, next to Emily. 'Ali?' Emily said with a sleepy voice. 'No, it's Hanna, sweetie. Go back to sleep' Hanna kissed her forehead, and turned off the lights. Although Emily fell asleep immediately, Hanna spent the night tossing and turning, overthinking the crazy day she'd had.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi guys, so here's another chapter. Quite a long one as well. I should actually be writing my Master's thesis, but somehow I can't be bothered... I hope you're enjoying reading this story as much as I am enjoying writing it. Please let me know what you think in a review!**

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

Alison didn't want Emily to leave, but her dad made it clear he wanted to talk to her alone. To make things worse, he had brought Veronica. 'Hello Alison, how are you?' she asked. Alison hated how polite Veronica was, it made it difficult to be nasty to her. 'Besides the fact I'm in hospital, I'm fine, thanks' Alison snorted with sarcasm. 'Be nice Alison' her father said, with his icy voice. She rolled her eyes. 'When will we get to see your doctor? I want to talk to him about taking you home', her dad had obviously not had a change of heart. Alison didn't feel like arguing, she was emotionally drained. And now was as good a time as ever, right? It would only get harder to tell her dad about what was going on with time passing. 'He'll do his round in half an hour I think' she told her dad. 'But dad, I have to tell you something…' she felt panic building in the pit of her stomach. Her dad looked at her expectedly. 'Well, what is it, Alison?' he said, when she didn't say anything. 'Dad, please promise me not to freak out… But I'm… I'm pregnant dad…' she heard herself say in the tiniest voice. 'You're what? Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, I hope this is your idea of a joke' her father's face had turned red and Veronica had put her hands over her mouth in shock. 'Well?' he asked, when his daughter didn't respond. 'It's not a joke dad… I wish it was' she said quietly, while a tear rolled down her cheek. 'God damn it Alison, how could you let this happen? I thought I had raised you well! What's wrong with you?' he yelled at her. 'I'm sorry dad…' she whispered, breaking down in tears. 'Tears are not going to help you now, Alison, nor are apologies. You should have thought about this when you decided to jump in bed with that misfit' Alison crawled under her blankets. 'Calm down Kenneth, you're making things worse' Veronica said, looking at him sternly. Alison saw he immediately backed down a bit. She wondered how Veronica did that, but then she thought of how Spencer could sometimes be and understood. 'Alison, honey, we will really have to talk to your doctor. Everything is going to be fine, I promise' Veronica said sweetly. Alison nodded. Normally Alison hated it when Veronica talked to her like this, but now she could appreciate it.

Veronica had sent Kenneth to get some coffee, while they waited for Dr. Jones to do his rounds. Alison and Veronica waited in silence for a while. 'Veronica?' Alison asked quietly. 'Yes, Alison?' Veronica gave her a weak smile. 'Do you think he will come around? I mean… I expected him to be disappointed, but he scared me to death…' Alison said, while playing with her blanket. 'It's going to be fine, Alison. He's stressed and you're his little girl, he wants what's best for you and this pregnancy doesn't really fit into that picture…' she explained. 'There's something else…' Alison whispered. Veronica looked at her with questioning eyes, when she didn't say anything Alison sighed and continued. 'Noel left me…' she said quietly. 'He did not' Veronica said in shock. Alison nodded tears glimmering in her eyes. 'We'll figure it out, Alison. It's all going to be okay' Veronica stood up and pulled her stepdaughter in an awkward hug. They had never been close, and even though Alison had treated Veronica like scum most of the time, Veronica had a special spot for her in her heart. After the events that started to take place five years ago, she had a special spot for all of her daughter Spencer's friends.

A few minutes after Alison's dad had come back with coffee, Dr. Jones walked in. 'Good evening Miss DiLaurentis' he said. Her dad and Veronica stood up to shake hands with him. 'Is everyone informed on your situation?' the doctor asked. 'Yes' Alison said quietly. 'My daughter told us very little, could you please elaborate a bit, doctor?' Kenneth DiLaurentis asked. Dr. Jones looked at Alison, she nodded to let him know that he could tell them what was going on. 'Well, your daughter came in with a broken wrist and a small concussion due to falling from the stairs. She then told me she was pregnant. I decided to do some more tests and found out that Alison was suffering from undernourishment and dehydration, which caused a low blood pressure and heart rate. That's when we decided to keep her here for observation. Upon further examination we found out that she must be pregnant for at least 12 weeks now. However, because of malnourishment, the baby is lagging behind in growth. So we're now treating her for an eating disorder' Alison flinched when she heard that term. She didn't want to believe she was suffering from an eating disorder. While Dr. Jones explained, she had seen her dad's eyes grow wider and wider. Now he was done, her dad was staring at her. 'Ali? Why haven't you called us earlier?' his voice was less sharp than it had been before; she heard the worry in his voice. 'I'm sorry dad, I didn't realize what was happening…' that was no lie. She still didn't comprehend how she got from being very happy with Noel and her life, to being in a hospital bed for two days now -and probably many more to come- listening to doctors' talk about eating disorders and pregnancies.

* * *

When Emily woke up, her head was pounding. For a moment she was disoriented. How did she get home? Then she saw Hanna lying next to her, and remembered something about being in a shower. Also, she thought she remembered seeing Caleb, but she wasn't sure. She didn't even remember what it was that drove her to drink so much last night. The only thing she knew was that she kept seeing Alison's sad looking face, she couldn't get the image out of her head. Emily sighed and shook her head. How could she have been so stupid, she was not a teenager anymore. Why did she have to get so drunk? She got up quietly and tiptoed into the kitchen. She put the kettle on the stove to make some tea. When the water was boiling, she couldn't resist the urge anymore. She had to put her wrist on the scalding hot iron. One… two… three seconds, it hurt so much, but she had deserved it; she wasn't allowed to pull away just yet. Then someone from behind grabbed her wrist, 'Em, what are you doing!?'. Hanna had woken up shortly after Emily and when she realized she was lying in the bed alone, she had gone to look where her friend had gone. 'Han… I… I'm…' Emily didn't look at her friend. 'Come here, you need to put that under lukewarm water'. Hanna was still holding Emily's wrist, she opened the tap and forced Emily's arm under it. With her other hand she was stroking her friend's back. They were quiet for a while. Hanna had tears in her eyes, when she saw that, it made Emily's eyes water too. 'I'm sorry Han…' she whispered. 'Emmy, when you feel like that you have to tell me. You should've woken me up. You promised me…' Hanna said, giving Emily a sympathetic look. 'I know, I just… I know it's stupid…' Emily broke down in tears. Hanna pulled her friend into a hug. 'It's okay Emmy, just let it go' she whispered.

When Emily had calmed down, Hanna sat her down on the couch. 'What happened yesterday, sweetie? Why were you so upset?' she asked her friend. 'You mean why did I get wasted?' Emily was still angry with herself. 'Yeah… I guess' Hanna admitted. Emily didn't answer Hanna's question, she was just staring into space. 'Em? What happened when you were with Alison?' Emily flinched when she heard the name of the girl she loved. 'Nothing… It's just… I wanted to tell her how I felt, but then… She was so devastated by Noel leaving her, it just didn't make sense to tell her. She'll never love me back, so why make things even more complicated by telling her how I feel?' Emily was obviously trying to not only convince Hanna, but also herself that it was not a good idea to tell Alison about how she felt. 'So she didn't say anything?' Hanna asked. 'What do you mean?'. 'About why Noel left her, I mean'. 'She said she didn't really know why, she thought he might have gotten scared' Emily said. Hanna rolled her eyes. 'What?' Emily asked. 'Nothing' Hanna felt stupid for even bringing this up, she could have known Alison hadn't told Emily about the actual reason for Noel freaking out. 'You're not telling me something Hanna, come on, spit it out' Emily now looked at her friend. She had some sort of crazy desperate look over her. 'I can't tell you Em, you'll have to ask Alison' Hanna explained. Emily looked disappointed. 'I mean I wish I could Em, but it's better if you hear it from her. I'm sorry' Hanna squeezed her hand. 'I'm not sure if I want to hear it…' Emily whispered. 'I think you do' Hanna gave her a weak smile.

After those intense first minutes of the day, Hanna decided to talk to Emily later. First they needed some relaxation, she had decided. When they were halfway watching a movie they had seen a million times, she got a text from Aria.

 **Hey Han, how's she doing? Have you talked about the thing yet? Let me know, I'm worried… XO Aria**

Hanna knew exactly what 'thing' Aria was referring to. But after she had seen her friend hurting herself this morning, she wasn't so sure what to say about it. She found it terrible that Emily found that she needed to do this to herself. Hanna couldn't even begin to imagine how bad she must be feeling. But a tiny part of her just couldn't understand. Why would Emily do that to herself? She was beautiful, smart, funny… Everything a girl wanted to be. Although Hanna felt really bad about it, she couldn't help but thinking that maybe she did it to get attentions. That's always why people harm themselves right? Hanna tried to shake that thought, she felt horrible thinking like that about her friend. 'Em…' Hanna begun. 'Hm?' Emily was as into the movie as the first time they saw it together in the cinema. 'We need to talk about something' Hanna said. Emily looked sideways at her friend, and realized she was being serious. She stopped the movie and sat up. 'What is it?' Emily asked. 'Aria saw your arm… She's worried…' Hanna explained. She didn't know what to say to her friend. Emily looked away. 'Did she tell the others?' she asked quietly. 'No I don't think so, she wasn't sure about what it was, but she had her suspicions…' Hanna said. Emily was fumbling her fingers. 'Em, sweetie, I know it's hard to talk about this, but it needs to stop. You can't go on like this, it's wrecking you up' Hanna squeezed Emily's hand. 'I know… I'm trying Hanna, really… It's just so hard' Emily looked at Hanna with her desperate eyes. 'Maybe you should talk to Dr. Sullivan again? That helped last time, right?' Hanna asked. 'Yeah I guess it did… I think I can try that' Emily lied; she didn't want to talk to Dr. Sullivan. The last time it made her only feel more miserable. It was because they found out who A was and the whole situation that had haunted her for two years had finally come to an end that she started to feel better last time. Now she felt like it would never get better. Alison would never love her. What was the purpose of life if she couldn't be together with her? 'I mean, you can talk to me as well. I would love to help you Emily, I'm just not sure how to' Emily snapped out of her dark thoughts. 'Yeah, I guess. It helps talking to you' she gave Hanna a weak smile. She didn't want her friend to know how rotten she felt inside. 'Could you please not tell the others though? I feel like such a failure'. 'You're anything but a failure Em. But if you don't want me to tell them, I won't. But you know they'll find out eventually. Maybe you should just tell them yourself. Maybe it will help, having more people to fall back on when you feel the need to… to hurt yourself' Hanna looked Emily in the eye. 'Yeah… Maybe you're right. But I promise it won't happen again. I'm sorry for the trouble' Emily looked away again. She felt so ashamed of herself. 'No!' Hanna said loudly, 'I was wrong for making you promise me not to hurt yourself. You should promise yourself. You shouldn't be apologizing to me, but to yourself. Em, really, you owe yourself so much more. You're such an amazing person, I just wish you could see that yourself…' Hanna had put a hand on Emily's face so she couldn't look away again. Emily swallowed away her tears. 'Thanks Han…' she whispered, and pulled her friend in a tight hug.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi guys, yet another chapter! Please let me know what you think in a review! If you have suggestions, please let me know, it's getting harder and harder for me to continue this story...**

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

With the help of some huge sleeping pills, Alison had finally fallen asleep last night and didn't wake up till noon. When she woke up, everything that had happened yesterday played in her head like a film. Her throwing her food tray through her room, her dad barging in, the talk she had with Dr. Sullivan, telling Hanna about her pregnancy, Noel breaking up with her, Emily comforting her, telling her dad and Veronica what was going on and finally receiving a phone call from Hanna asking her where the hell Emily was. It had been quite the day. That last phone call had made her worried, she had tried to call Emily but didn't get any response, nor did the other girls return her texts or phone calls. When a nurse did her rounds in the middle of the night and found that Alison wasn't sleeping, she had given her some sleeping pills, which made her fall asleep almost immediately. But now she had woken up, she was as worried as she was yesterday. She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and opened the messages she received after she'd fallen asleep.

 **Ali, we found her. She's fine. Go to sleep! X Spencer**

 **She's okay Ali, don't worry too much** **J** **I'll come by tomorrow - xoxo Aria**

Alison let out a sigh of relieve. Although Emily hadn't texted her yet, at least she was okay. She wasn't sure what to do. Should she send Emily another text, or just wait until she'd hear from her? A knock on her door interfered with her thoughts. It was Dr. Sullivan. 'Can I come in?' she asked. 'Yes, sure' Alison said, with a weak smile. When she sat down, she looked at Alison, scanning her to see how she was doing today. 'So I've heard you've had quite the day yesterday' she said eventually. 'Yeah… You could say that' Alison sighed. 'Is there something in particular that's bothering you about yesterday? Is there something you really want to talk about today?' Dr. Sullivan talked in her usual soft and calm voice. Alison thought for a while, she actually wanted to talk to someone about her feelings for Emily, but wasn't sure she was ready to do so. When Alison didn't say anything, Dr. Sullivan continued. 'So I heard you didn't eat your breakfast yesterday…' she gave Alison a compassionate smile. 'You're putting it nicely' Alison grimaced, 'you mean that I threw it through the room'. 'Yes, the nurse told me that, what happened?' Alison had expected her to be angry, but she didn't show a trace of anger on her face. Alison sighed. 'I don't know… I felt so disgusted, I just couldn't eat it… I didn't mean to make a mess, it just happened. I'm sorry…' she said quietly. 'You don't have to apologize to me, Alison. Instead we really have to find a way for you to get a healthy eating pattern again' Dr. Sullivan said sweetly. Alison nodded, not looking Dr. Sullivan in the eye. 'If I start eating, will I be able to leave?' Alison asked. 'I don't know Alison, I'm not the judge of that. Dr. Jones will decide when you'll be able to leave. While he's trying to fix you physically, we can work on your mental health, okay?' those words hurt Alison, but she knew it was a good thing that Dr. Sullivan was so honest about what needed to happen. 'Do you want to tell me about your pregnancy?' that question caught Alison by surprise. 'Erm…' her face reddened, 'I don't really know what to say about it… I mean, it's not liked we… I planned on getting pregnant'. 'But now you are, how do you feel about it?' Dr. Sullivan didn't seem to be judging her. Alison had tried not to think about this, she felt so guilty for not being sure about how she felt about having this baby. Especially now Noel had left her she didn't know what to do. She couldn't raise this baby all by herself, could she? What would people think of her, being a single mother at the age of 21? And she couldn't give the baby all that it needed, right? Or could she? 'Alison?' Dr. Sullivan interrupted her thoughts for the second time today. 'Erm… I haven't really thought about it… Actually, I actively try not to think about it, to be honest' Alison was playing with her blanket. 'Why is that, you think?' Dr. Sullivan asked. 'I don't know… I've tried to ignore it for so long and when I finally did a test and found out about it, I felt so lost… And there's so much going on right now, and with Noel breaking up with me… It just really scares me' Alison felt the tears welling up in her eyes. 'Noel broke up with you?' Dr. Sullivan asked, handing her a tissue. 'Yesterday' she nodded. 'Did he tell you why?'. 'Erm… Actually it was my fault. He walked in when I was telling Hanna about my feelings for Emily…' Alison looked down, she felt her face reddening again. 'Emily?' Dr. Sullivan was a bit surprised. She knew from the conversations she'd had with Emily 5 years ago that she had feelings for Alison, but she never knew Alison had the same feelings for her. 'Yes… I mean, I'm not sure what I feel for her. I just know it's not a normal friendship, like I have with Hanna, Spencer and Aria' she gave Dr. Sullivan a meaningful look. 'She's special to me, I think I might love her' she said, before looking away, blushing. 'That must be confusing' Dr. Sullivan said understanding. 'Yeah… Yes, it kinda is…' Alison said quietly. 'You look tired Alison. Shall we continue tomorrow?'. Alison was glad Dr. Sullivan offered to stop the session, she felt emotionally drained. 'Yes, thank you Dr. Sullivan'. 'No problem Alison, you did very well today' Dr. Sullivan squeezed her shoulder and left.

Alison looked at her phone, but was disappointed as she still hadn't received a text from Emily. At that moment Aria walked in. She was carrying a tray of food. 'Hi! I walked into the nurse and she gave me your food' she said, when Alison gave her a wondering look. 'I bet she doesn't dare to come in after yesterday…' Alison said with a sad looking smile. 'What do you mean?' Aria didn't know what Alison was talking about. 'Hanna didn't tell you?' Alison was surprised; normally Hanna couldn't keep her mouth shut. Aria shook her head. 'Oh… never mind then'. Aria didn't want to push Alison, so she didn't ask further questions. She put down the food tray in front of Alison, and didn't take her eyes off Alison until she picked up the apple that was on it. With reluctance, Alison took a tiny bite. She knew she had to start eating if she wanted to leave anytime soon. 'What happened yesterday Ali? Why was Emily so upset?' this question surprised Alison. 'Upset? What do you mean? She seemed fine when she left' Alison felt panicky. 'Oh… I thought you knew…' Aria said, giving her friend a compassionate look. 'What Aria? Tell me!' Alison was desperate to know what her friend was talking about. 'Well… Emily came home just a few minutes after Hanna had called you' Aria said. 'Yeah?' Alison couldn't handle the suspense. 'She was wasted Ali. I think she was lucky that Caleb found her when he did, I don't even want to think about what would have happened otherwise…' Aria looked sad. Alison felt tears prickling behind her eyes. How could she not have noticed that Emily felt so bad? 'Did she tell you why she drank so much?' Alison whispered. 'She didn't say a lot… She hardly could, she was so drunk Ali, it was horrible…' Aria sighed. Alison looked away, a tear rolled down her cheek. 'So you didn't say anything to her?' Aria asked her quietly. 'What do you mean?' Alison sniffled. 'I don't know…' Aria didn't want to get Alison angry, but she had to know, 'you know she loves you, right?'. 'What are you saying Aria? That it's my fault? I feel as bad about this as you do, if not worse' Alison said angrily. 'I didn't mean to upset you Ali, it's just… I'm scared she might do something stupid' Aria said quietly. 'Why would you think that?' Alison let her anger go and got worried again. She knew Aria wasn't saying something. Aria was now pacing up and down the room. 'Aria! What's going on?' Alison said loudly. Aria stopped pacing, and sat down on Alison's bed. 'I think Em might be hurting herself' she said, not looking at Alison. 'What?' Alison was shocked. 'Hanna doesn't want to admit it, but I feel that something is wrong. I'm certain she had scars and wounds on her arm' Aria said. 'Well did you ask Emily?' Alison asked with a high-pitched voice. 'No, Hanna promised she'd talk to her. I texted her, asking her about it, but she just said that Emily was fine' Aria explained. 'I'm calling Hanna' Alison said, determinedly.

'Hanna, what's going on?' Alison snapped when Hanna picked up her cell. 'Hi Ali, I'm fine thanks, how are you?' Hanna said sarcastically. 'Han, is Emily hurting herself?' Alison asked angry. It remained silent. 'Hanna?' Alison yelled into the phone. 'Would you calm down! I can't tell you Alison, I promised her' Hanna sounded desperate. 'So it's true. Hanna what is going on? Aria is telling me she got wasted yesterday and you guys thought it was because of me'. 'It is because of you Ali, shit, are you really this blind Alison? Emily is in love with you, desperately in love with you. And you are too, right? Or was that another lie you told me?' Hanna's anger had reached a fever pitch. Alison was in shock. Aria took the phone from her. 'Jesus Hanna, I can hear you scream at the other side of the room. Can we please keep this civil' Aria said through gritted teeth. 'I'm sorry Aria, I just got home from Emily and she is a big ball of misery. I can't handle Alison having an attitude right now' Hanna sounded tired. 'I know, but we're all on the same side here. We're worried about Emily, and so is Alison' Aria said. 'I know, I'm sorry. Can we talk about this later? I can't do this right now' Hanna's voice was shaking. 'Sure, don't worry too much sweetie. Talk to you later' Aria hung up the phone.

Alison was staring into thin air. 'Alison, sweetie, are you okay?' Aria squeezed her hand. 'She's hurting herself Aria… She's hurting herself because of me' a tear rolled down her cheek. 'That's not true Ali, you know that. She's been unwell for a while, it's not your fault' Aria wiped the tears from Alison's face. 'I have to go see her, Aria. I have to go now' Alison started fidgeting with her IV. It took a while before Aria knew what was going on, and when she did Alison had already pulled out the IV out of her arm and was bleeding. 'Ali stop, lie down. You can't leave, you need to rest' Aria yelled at her. But Alison didn't stop. She pushed the blankets away and tried to get up. However, the moment she stood at her feet, she felt dizzy. Aria foresaw what was going to happen and prevented Alison from collapsing onto the floor. 'Ali! Ali! Are you okay?' after a few moments Alison woke up. 'What happened?' she slurred. 'I think you fainted' Aria whispered. 'Oh…' Alison looked confused. 'Come let me get you back in bed' Aria said sweetly. 'No, I need to go to Emily' Alison said weakly, trying to get out of Aria's grip. 'Ali, honey, you really need to get into bed. I'll talk to Emily, I'm sure she'll come by' Aria helped Alison up and got her back in bed. She then called a nurse who put her IV in again. 'Aria, please make sure she's okay' Alison said weakly. 'I will sweetie, I'll go visit her right now. Don't get too worked up, okay? I'll call you tonight' Aria gave Alison a kiss on her forehead and left. Alison crawled up in her blankets and cried herself to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hi guys, sorry it took longer than usual for me to post an update. I've been quite busy with school... Please let me know what you think, it helps me writing new chapters!**

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 **Chapter 12**

When Aria approached Emily's front door, she saw Spencer and Toby knocking on the door. 'Oh hi guys, I was going to visit Em, but the three of us might be a bit much for her right now' Aria said. 'Well, she's not answering the door, so I guess none of us gets to visit her…' Spencer told Aria. 'What do you mean she's not answering the door? She's supposed to be home. Did you call her cell?' Aria asked worried. She knew Hanna had just left Emily's home and she couldn't imagine where Emily would have gone with the major hangover she must have. 'No, I didn't, why? You sound worried?' Spencer sounded suspicious. 'Of course I am worried Spence, she's been hurting herself, I don't even want to think about why she's not opening that door' Aria got her cell out and dialed Emily's number. No response. 'What do you mean, Emily hurting herself?' Toby asked. Toby was one of Emily's good friends. 'I mean she's been purposely harming herself. I don't know the details, Hanna won't tell me. And now she's not picking up the phone, god damn it' Aria was full on panicking. 'Okay, Aria, you have to calm down. Maybe she went to get some coffee. Let me call Hanna' Spencer said calmly. 'Spence, didn't you hear me. She's _hurting_ herself, she might be doing it right now for all we know!' Aria yelled at her.

'Hi Han, do you know where Emily is? You were at her place just now, right?' Spencer shot an annoyed glance at Aria. 'Hey, when I left she was going to take a shower, why?' Hanna asked. 'Well, I'm at her apartment with Toby and Aria and she's not answering the door' Spencer explained. 'She might still be in the shower?' Hanna asked, unsure whether Emily usually took hour-long showers. 'Yeah, maybe…' Spencer said. 'Have you tried to call her?' Hanna asked. 'Yeah, she doesn't pick up. And Miss Montgomery here, is freaking out' Spencer answered. Hanna sighed. 'Can you get her on the phone' she asked. 'Sure' Spencer handed her phone to Aria. 'Hanna, I'm worried. She's not answering the door and with what you just told me, what if…'. 'Aria, calm down' Hanna interrupted her. 'She was okay when I left and it's only been an hour. I'm sure she hasn't done anything… stupid. Could you please not tell Spencer about it? I promised Em I wouldn't tell you guys, and now you and Alison know… I just don't want to make it worse' Hanna explained. 'I'm sorry Han, I already told her. I mean, what was I supposed to do. I am freaking out here. We need to do something, this is madness. This can't go on like this' Aria rattled. 'I mean where the hell is she?'. 'Aria' Toby said. 'She can't be still in the shower, can she?'. 'Aria', Toby said again, a little louder this time. Aria still didn't respond. 'What if she did something…' Aria was interrupted by Spencer yelling her name and grabbing her arm. Spencer pointed at someone walking down the street. 'What?' Aria said angrily, trying to get out of Spencer's grip. 'It's Emily' Toby said calmly. 'What? Where?' Aria said in a high-pitched voice. Then she saw it. Emily was jogging towards them.

'Hi guys, what are you doing here?' Emily said, out of breath. 'Looking for you, of course' Aria said in a tone suggesting she thought Emily had just asked them the stupidest question ever. 'Oh… well, I thought I'd go for a run…' Emily said confused, not understanding why Aria looked so freakishly stressed out. 'Why would you go for a run after taking a shower? And who goes for a run when they have a major hangover anyway?' Aria asked. 'Jeez, what is this, some kind of interrogation or something? I never took a shower, when Hanna left I felt like emptying my head so I decided to go for a run, okay? Could you now please move, I'd like to go inside and take a shower' Emily was annoyed with her friend. Emily opened the door and was about to push it shut when Toby's foot prevented it from closing. 'Toby, please. This is not the time' Emily said, her voice trembling. 'I get it Em, okay, but we need to talk. Will you meet us at the Brew for a coffee after you've showered?' he asked, giving her a faint smile. Emily really didn't feel like talking and tried to close the door. 'Emmy…' Toby grabbed her arm. Emily winced when he touched the burn on her wrist, and let out a little scream in pain. Startled by her reaction, Toby let go of her wrist quickly. Emily looked at her friends with tears in her eyes, 'I'm sorry' she said, before closing the door and leaving them in shock.

'Do you now understand why I am so worried?' Aria asked Toby and Spencer. Toby and Spencer were in shock and it took a while before either of them said something. 'I'm sorry I didn't take you seriously Aria. I think we need to undertake some serious action. Let's pick up Hanna and go visit Alison. We need to help Emily, and the only way that's going to work is if we do it together' Spencer sounded determined. 'Toby, can you go stay here? Maybe she'll decide to come to the Brew anyway' Toby was still in shock. 'Toby?' Spencer shrieked. 'Yeah, yeah, I'll stay here Spence. I'll wait for a while and if she doesn't show I'll see whether she'll let me in this time' he said quietly. He was glad that Emily lived above the brew, so he could keep an eye on her.

After picking up Hanna, the girls drove to the hospital in silence. When they entered Alison's room, they found their friend to be asleep. 'Do we wake her up?' Aria whispered. 'I don't know… maybe we should let her sleep, she's had a rough few days' Spencer answered. But Hanna was already at Alison's bed, softly nudging her. 'Hanna!' Spencer snapped. 'What?' Hanna turned around, 'You were the one who wanted to do something about this whole situation! Alison needs to be awake for that, doesn't she?' she said annoyed. 'Hi guys, what are you doing here?' Alison asked with a sleepy voice. Spencer and Hanna arguing had woken her up. The girls were sad to see their friend's tearstained face, it was obvious that Alison had cried herself to sleep. 'We need to talk' Spencer said. 'Is it Emily?' Alison asked worried, she seemed to be very awake now. 'Yes' Spencer replied. 'Is she okay?' Alison's eyes were big with worry. Although Hanna was angry with Alison when she entered the room, that anger quickly faded away once she noticed how helpless their friend looked. 'She is… For now at least' Spencer said. 'I think I should tell you guys something before we start figuring out how to help Em' Hanna said, she sat down on Alison's bed and grabbed her hand. 'Yes, that would be helpful' Aria said. Hanna sighed. 'Do you remember when we were being tortured by A?' she asked. 'How can we forget?' Spencer asked, giving the other girls a meaningful look. 'Well… Emily wasn't doing so well back then either. I mean… We all had our problems, but Emily wasn't dealing with them. She was hurting herself and she told me how she thought about dying and stuff… It was pretty scary' Hanna admitted. She squeezed Alison's hand, as she saw how much it hurt her what she was telling them. 'After uncovering the truth behind A and talking to Dr. Sullivan, she stopped hurting herself, and she was doing better… That is, until now. Aria saw scars and burns on Emily's arm a few days ago and I caught her burning her wrist this morning…' Hanna said quietly. A tear rolled down Alison's cheek. 'So that's why she shrieked when Toby grabbed her wrist…' Spencer now understood. 'Probably…' Aria sighed. The girls were silent for a while. 'What can we do to help her?' Alison asked Hanna, tears still rolling down her cheek. 'Well… I'm not sure. I mean, I guess she should talk to Dr. Sullivan again, right? But I'm not sure if that would solve it all… I think it's also important you talk to her, Ali' Hanna looked at her friend. Alison nodded. She felt so guilty. But she wasn't sure about her feelings for Emily. 'I know… But I don't want to hurt her anymore by lying to her' she said. 'Why would you lie to her Ali?' Aria asked. 'Yeah, you love her, right?' Spencer asked. 'I mean… I think I do, but I'm not sure. What if I don't? It's all such a mess. I'm an emotional wreck and I'm pregnant, I don't want to do that to Emily. She deserves so much more' Alison was sobbing. 'Ali…' Hanna pulled her friend into a hug. 'I know it's complicated, I do. But I think that if you explain this to Emily it will be okay for now. She needs this Ali, she needs to know that you care about her in a special way. It might cheer her up a bit. I mean you don't have to declare your eternal love for her and marry her or something, but just let her know how you feel. She'll understand, I'm sure' Hanna said sweetly. Alison was playing with her duvet. 'I think Hanna is right. It will definitely not cure her depression, but it will sure do her some good' Spencer sat down on the other side of Alison and took her hand. 'Spencer just agreed with something Hanna suggested. And we all know that means a lot, coming from Spencer' Aria said, grinning. All the girls chuckled. Alison looked at her friends, somehow these girls made her feel stronger. 'Okay, I'll tell her' Alison said, her eyes still watery from all the crying she had done that day. 'But guys, can you please be here. I mean, not inside this room when I tell her, but make sure you'll be around to make sure she's okay. Just in case, you know' Alison shrugged. 'Of course we will' Spencer said, pulling her friend into a tight hug.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi guys. Sorry it took so long... And it's also a short one :( I promise the next chapter will be up soon and it will be longer than this one. PLEASE REVIEW it gives me motivation to write ;)**

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 **Chapter 13**

The following days it all went downhill with Emily. Although the girls had a plan to make her feel better, Emily would have to leave the house and go to the hospital to see Alison for it to work. And that was not going to happen. Emily hardly got out of bed, let alone her apartment. Luckily Hanna had a spare key of her apartment, so the other girls could check in on her regularly, to make sure she would eat and not harm herself. Unfortunately it was necessary for the girls to stop by Emily several times a day, as, if it wasn't for them, she wouldn't have eaten for days, nor would she have cleaned up after herself. Moreover, even with the girls' regular intervention, Emily had accumulated more cuts, burns and scratches on her body over the past few days. This worried the girls greatly and meant that they had taken off from work and other activities to make sure that someone was with Emily almost all the time. This afternoon, it was Hanna's turn to check in on Emily. She was sitting up against a cushion in bed, reading out loud an article in the Cosmopolitan about flirting abroad. Emily lay curled up under her bedcovers, staring at the wall; she had been like this for an hour now. When Hanna wanted to turn the page of the magazine, she received a text from Spencer.

 **We've got a green light! We'll be there in an hour!**

Hanna sighed in relieve. Since it became clear that Emily wasn't going to visit Alison, the girls had tried to get Alison's doctor to allow her to visit Emily. Now it was finally going to happen. Alison had done everything the doctor had wanted, which meant that, in addition to trying really hard to eat some of the food that she was supposed to eat, she was being tube fed for the past several days to recuperate. She had also talked to Dr. Sullivan several times about her eating disorder, pregnancy and underlying issues. In the meantime she had been thinking about her feelings for Emily and talked about this with the other girls. She had come to the conclusion that she loved Emily, and wanted to give it a try. Alison could hardly wait to tell this to Emily. Although the girls had told her something of what was going on with Emily over the past few days, they didn't have the heart to tell Alison how bad she was actually doing. It made them sad to see how Alison would cringe every time they mentioned Emily hurting herself or not wanting to get out of bed. They had decided they would tell Alison about the severity of the situation just before she would see Emily, to make sure she wouldn't worry too much. They had also decided not to tell Emily about Alison visiting, just in case it might become too much for Alison at the last minute, or it being canceled for any other reason. However, Hanna found it hard to keep it a secret now that Alison would be there in an hour.

'Hey Em, maybe you should take a shower' Hanna suggested. No response. 'Em?' Hanna asked. No response. Hanna gave her a nudge. 'Ouch!' Emily gave her an angry stare. 'Em, please, just go take a shower, or at least freshen up a bit, brush your teeth' Hanna said. 'Why?' Emily asked grumpily. 'Because you haven't been out of bed all day. It will make you feel better Em, I promise you. Maybe I can do your make up? Give you a little beauty treatment? It will give you some more energy' Hanna tried to cheer her friend up, knowing it wouldn't work. 'I'll take a shower. Will you leave me alone after that?' she asked grudgingly. 'I will' Hanna said. She tried to hide her sadness. The girls had endured many nasty remarks over the past few days. Although they knew Emily didn't mean it, and that she wasn't being herself, it still hurt when their friend said things like this. Even though it was hard, they would never give up on Emily. They were certain she was going to get through this. They also knew that deep inside Emily appreciated it very much what the girls were doing, she just couldn't show it right now.

Emily took a very long shower and it was just a few minutes later that someone knocked at the door. 'Aren't you gonna get it?' Hanna asked, when Emily didn't respond. She shook her head, and continued flipping through a magazine without really reading it. Hanna sighed and stood up. She opened the door to let Spencer, Aria and Alison in. Alison was still wearing a feeding tube. 'It was one of the conditions…' Spencer sighed when she saw Hanna looking. Hanna nodded. 'She's in her bedroom. She's not doing so well Ali, they told you right?' Hanna whispered. She didn't know why she was whispering, but felt the need to do it. Alison nodded. Hanna saw tears glistening in her eyes. She pulled her friend in a tight hug and felt that she was trembling. 'It's going to be fine Ali' she said and gave her a kiss on her forehead. Aria gave her a small push and Alison walked towards Emily's bedroom. She grabbed the doorknob and took a deep breath. em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"Calm down Alison, it's going to be fine/em she thought to herself. She opened the door and on the bed she saw a heap of misery, Emily was lying curled up with her back to the door. Emily didn't look up. Alison closed the door behind her and climbed on the bed. She placed her hand on Emily's arm. 'Em' she said, quietly. Emily's eyes shot open. She felt goose bumps appear all over her body. She knew that voice, that smell, that touch… 'Ali?' she asked, and turned around. 'Yes' Alison answered, giving her a weak smile.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

'I'm sorry I didn't come to see you Ali, I-I…' Emily stammered, not daring to look Alison in the eye. 'It's okay Em, I get it. Don't worry about it' Alison interrupted her. Emily looked up, when her eyes met Alison's she quickly looked away again. Alison was shocked by what she saw in the eyes of her friend she loved. She saw that Emily was broken and it wouldn't be easy to fix her. 'Emmy, sweetie… What's going on?' she asked quietly. A tear trickled down Emily's cheek. She didn't respond, she just shook her head. 'Em, you know you can tell me everything. Please, let me help you' Alison squeezed her hand. Emily bit her lip. She didn't know what to tell Alison, she didn't know where to start. She had been down for so long, but she had been able to handle that. For a year she had been able to minimize the drinking bouts and to ignore the urge to hurt herself. She lost control when Alison got pregnant and broke up with Noel. She couldn't tell Alison that she completely lost it since Alison landed in hospital, could she? That seeing how sad Alison was about Noel breaking up with her was the last straw that broke the camel's back? _If I don't tell someone about any of this, I am not going to get through this_ , Emily thought to herself. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and started talking. 'I've been down for a while… After the whole A thing was sorted out I was feeling better, but then I didn't get the scholarship and lost it again. Thanks to Paige I was able to make it through the first years of college, and after a while I was feeling quite good actually. That was until she broke up with me half a year ago… I-I just couldn't handle that. I think you could say I've been down ever since' Emily looked at Alison. She was such a good listener. She could see that Alison really cared about she was telling her, it encouraged her to go on. 'And when you got landed in hospital… I just lost it, Ali. You mean so much to me. I've been meaning to tell you, but I just didn't have the courage…' Emily started crying. 'Hey, Emmy, look at me' Alison said, while softly wiping away the tears from her friend's face. 'Em, you've been through so much. You've been so brave. It's okay to feel down sometimes. But you should never be afraid to tell me something' Alison said, giving her a weak smile. 'Actually…' Alison took a deep breath, 'it's not really fair of me to say that'. 'What do you mean?' Emily asked. 'I haven't been completely honest with you Emily' Alison looked down. 'About what?' Emily's eyes grew wide. 'About why Noel left me' Alison looked Emily in the eye. 'He left me because… because I'm in love with you' Alison whispered. Emily didn't say a word. She just looked at her friend with her big brown eyes. 'Em?' Alison asked quietly. 'Are you mocking me?' Emily asked. 'No, Em, honestly. I would never do that to you. I don't know what is happening to me either, but I cannot ignore the feelings I have for you. I have tried to do that for so long and it's been hurting me… and you' she explained. Emily had tears in her eyes. 'I have to go to the bathroom' Emily stood up and rushed into the ensuite bathroom. 'Em!' Alison said, but Emily didn't respond and locked the door behind her.

On the other side of the door Spencer was pacing up and down the room. 'Spence, could you please sit down? You're driving me crazy!' Hanna said annoyed. 'I'm sorry Han, I'm just hoping that we did the right thing' Spencer said, her voice sounding worried. 'We haven't heard them screaming yet, do we? It'll be fine, everything's going to be fine' Hanna said. 'Well… let's just hope it's a start. One conversation isn't going to fix them, either of them. Emily has never been so depressed as she is now and I think it has been eating more on Alison than we can imagine' Aria said thoughtfully. 'Of course it's not going to be fine just like that, but I mean… we need to stay positive right?' although Hanna tried to sound like she was holding her cool, she had been biting her nails the entire time Alison and Emily were talking. Her friends knew she was nervous.

Emily couldn't breathe. _Is this really happening? Is she really in love with me? This can't be true, I must have gone mad._ She splashed some cold water in her face. She looked at herself in the mirror. _I look like a mess._ She tried to control her breathing. _Calm down Em. Is she playing with me again? I mean, it is Alison we're talking about._ She took a gulp of water. _No, I can't think like that. She's changed. She wouldn't do that to me._ Then she heard knocking on the door. 'Em? Em, please open the door. Please don't do anything… anything stupid…' Alison sounded sad. Emily didn't want her to think she would hurt herself. She loved her.

She opened the door to see Alison's tearstained face. 'Em, I…' before Alison could finish her sentence, Emily pressed her lips on hers. After one or two seconds Emily realized what she was doing. 'I- I'm sorry Ali… I just wanted to say, I'm in love with you too' she said blushing. A teary smile appeared on Alison's face. She took Emily's hand and pulled her to the bed, where they sat down. 'What just happened?' Alison asked. 'I panicked… I can't imagine you being in love with me Alison. I've had a crush on you for so long, but you are unattainable… I didn't think you would like someone like me' Emily looked down. 'Because you're a girl, you mean?'. 'Not necessarily… Someone as weak and screwed up as me… Someone who's…' Emily couldn't finish her sentence. Alison had grabbed her wrist. 'Stop it Emily Fields. You're not weak, nor are you screwed up. You're beautiful, inside and out. You're a good person who's had bad things happening to them. You'll get through this – _we_ will' Alison put her hand under Emily's chin and lifted up her face so she could look her in the eye, 'you're the most lovely person I know'. 'Ali…' Emily sighed, 'I've been binge drinking and hurting myself over the past few days. I haven't been talking to Hanna, Aria or Spencer, even though they were here to take care of me. I'm a mess Ali, you deserve better'. 'They told me what happened, and I'm so very sorry that I haven't been there for you. But I'm here now. And I'll be there in the future, okay? If there is someone who deserves better it's you' she said. 'But… but I need help' Emily said awkwardly. She thought Alison had gone crazy. _She wouldn't want to date someone who's ready for Radley, would she?_ 'I know you do, Em. But hey, so do I. No one is perfect. But please Em, believe me when I say I want to be with you' Alison pleaded. 'I want to be with you too…' Emily whispered. 'Well that's settled then' Alison smiled and took Emily in her arms.

'Should we knock on the door?' Hanna asked. 'No! Are you crazy? Let's just wait' Spencer answered. 'I'm hungry…' Hanna whined. 'Then order a pizza' Aria said annoyed. 'I'm sorry guys, I'm just worried okay? They are both so vulnerable right now. Anyway, didn't the doctor set a time for Ali to be back?' Hanna asked. 'We get it Hanna, we're worried too. Not really, he just said see you tonight, so I guess we have some time' Spencer said. 'How long do you think she'll have to stay there?' Aria wondered. 'I don't know… She's still awfully underfed and she struggles to eat an apple. Hopefully this conversation will do her some good' Spencer started pacing up and down the room again. 'I hope she gets to leave soon, it'll be better for her and for Emily' Aria side, while flicking through all the tv channels for the hundredth time. 'Could you both just sit down and stop being so worked up, you're making me nervous!' Hanna couldn't handle her friends' nervous behavior. Spencer sighed and sat down. 'I hope they'll come out of that room soon, it's been more than an hour. I'm hungry' Hanna said again. Aria and Spencer rolled their eyes, but knew better than to say anything. They knew how Hanna got when she was nervous.

After their intense conversation Emily and Alison were just lying in bed, cuddling, enjoying being close to each other. 'Ali?' Emily asked after a while. 'Mm?' Alison had almost fallen asleep, she felt save in Emily's arms. 'What do we tell the others?' Emily didn't really know how to define their relationship. Alison turned around to face the beautiful girl she was so in love with. 'I don't think we have to tell them anything. They know us. They will accept our relationship and be happy for us' Alison said. 'So we are official then?' Emily asked blushing. 'Of course we are, silly' Alison pecked her on the lips. Emily smiled. It was her first real smile in months.


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm sooooo sorry it took so long, but I just didn't know what to do with this story. I had no inspiration at all! So this is a rather short chapter. Also, it's pretty sappy/dramatic, but I guess you'll have to deal with that ;) Please let me know what you think, reviews give me motivation and inspiration (I need that a lot at the moment :( ) People have been asking for smut, I think it might be coming in the next chapter(s), but I've never written something like that before, so bear with me!**

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 **Chapter 15**

When Emily and Alison finally came out of Emily's bedroom, the girls decided to have dinner together. 'I'm starving' Hanna whined, 'you guys took ages!'. 'We had a lot to talk about' Alison said, squeezing Emily's hand, who gave her a sweet smile. 'I get that, but please don't take that long to decide what you want to order, I could eat a whole zoo' Hanna was always exaggerating when it came to food. Spencer rolled her eyes, 'Han, calm down. You'll get your food, let them breathe'. Alison and Emily gave Spencer a thankful smile. While Spencer and Hanna were haggling about the food they were about to order, Aria sat Emily and Alison down. 'Are you guys okay? We can also leave if you want some time for yourselves?' she asked, looking worried. 'We're fine Aria, thank you so much for getting Ali's doctor to let her visit me' Emily said, pulling her friend into a hug. 'And I'm sorry about the last couple of days… I should never have treated you like that' Emily didn't look Aria in the eye. 'It's okay Em. Anytime, really, you can count on us. I just hope that this will be the start of a better time for you. And for you too, Alison' she squeezed the hands of both girls, and all three of them had tears glistening in their eyes.

'FOOD IS HERE' Hanna yelled. All the girls chuckled, it was almost like old times. They all sat down at Emily's dinner table. Emily noticed Alison was tense. 'It's okay, just give it a try Ali. If it's too much for you to deal with right now, no one will blame you' she squeezed her hand. Alison tried to relax, but the food in front of her made her panicky. She didn't like to eat in front of her friends, it made her feel gross. Moreover it was greasy food, full of carbs and calories and she was already being tube fed; she would gain so much eating it. Emily noticed her girlfriend still wasn't at ease. 'Ali… You have to eat something' she said softly, so the others wouldn't hear. Of course it was a hopeless case; the other girls had long noticed that Alison wasn't eating her food, but just playing with it. 'Em I can't eat this. I'm sorry' Alison stood up and ran into the bathroom. 'I got it' Emily said, before any of the other girls could stand up, and followed Alison to the bathroom. Hanna took a slice of pizza from Alison's plate. Spencer and Aria gave her an angry stare. 'What? It's not like she's gonna eat it' she said, in a very Hanna like way. The other girls just rolled their eyes.

'Ali?' Emily knocked on the bathroom door. 'Ali, please open the door' she kept knocking until her tear-faced girlfriend finally opened the door. 'Ali…' she said, while pulling her into a hug. 'I'm so sorry Em. I'm completely ruining the night. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't eat it. Not when I'm also being tube fed and there's all kinds of fats and acids and carbs in it…' she sobbed into Emily's shoulder. 'It's okay Ali, you'll get there eventually. One step at the time, okay? But you have to eat something. I'll make you some tea with honey and apple with a bit of cinnamon, how does that sound?' Emily softly caresses her girlfriend's back. Alison nodded. 'We'll get through this Ali, together' she kissed Alison's forehead. Alison returned the gesture with a long, deep kiss. After a last hug they walked into the dining room holding hands. 'Are you okay?' Spencer asked worried. 'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just being silly' Alison sat down. 'You're not being silly Alison. It's hard, I know, but you're strong, you'll get past this' Hanna gave her friend a warm smile. The other girls were pleasantly surprised with Hanna's kindness. 'Thanks Hanna. And thank you too, Spencer and Aria. Without you guys Em and I might not have been here tonight' Alison looked down. An awkward silence filled the room. The girls realized that Emily's depression and Alison's eating disorder, and the pain of not being with the one they loved had almost cost them two of their dearest friends. Hanna couldn't handle the awkwardness and stood up, 'GROUPHUG' she yelled, and all the girls chuckled. The five of them formed a big hug, wiping away each other's tears and smiling. They knew that in the end, everything would be all right.

After dinner the girls left and that gave Emily and Alison some time to be together before Alison had to go back to the hospital. 'I'm so glad you could come over here tonight, I don't know how long I would have held on without you' Emily pecked Alison on the lips. 'Me too, I missed you Em. I need you' Alison looked at Emily, deeply in love. Emily started kissing Alison softly when she put her hand on her stomach. Quickly, Alison pushed her away. 'What's wrong?' Emily asked, her eyes widened. 'I… I don't know… I had almost forgotten about this baby, but you touching my belly…' Alison had tears in her eyes. 'Do you want to talk about it? I mean… Have you made a decision?' Emily asked softly. 'I don't know Em… I don't think I can raise a kid by myself… it wouldn't be fair. And I mean… It's a big thing, and if that means I'll lose you… I just don't know if I could handle that' Alison looked away. 'Ali…' Emily sighed, while grabbing her hand. Alison looked up at her, a tear rolled down her cheek. 'I would never leave you because of you having a baby. So you won't have to do it alone', Emily wiped away the tear on her girlfriend's cheek, 'I'll be there to help you. At least, that is if you want me to'. 'Are you being serious?' Alison looked at Emily with big eyes. 'Of course I'm being serious Alison. I love you. I love you so very much and I'll love this baby too. But you should be the one who makes the decision' Emily said, squeezing her hand. 'I… I…' Alison stammered. 'You don't have to make the decision right now Ali, just think about it, okay? And know that I'll always be by your side, whatever you decide to do' she kissed her forehead. 'I love you Em' Alison said, and pulled her girlfriend into a tight hug. 'I love you too, Ali' Emily said, snuggling her face into her girlfriends neck.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

After Alison had come out to Emily's house and declared her love for her, Emily had stayed almost permanently at Alison's side in the hospital. They had not talked much though, they mostly held each other close, cuddling. Just enjoying each other's company. Now Alison had been released from the hospital both girls knew they had to talk about some things they had been avoiding till now. It took another few days, but Alison was finally released from hospital. However, Dr. Jones and Dr. Sullivan had set some conditions for her release. First of, she was still to be tube fed. The feeding tube would remain in place until she would eat a reasonable meal at least three times a day. She also had to come in and talk to Dr. Sullivan every week, in addition to coming to group therapy focused on curing eating disorders. She was also advised not to be alone all the time, and as going back to live with Noel wasn't an option, she was going to stay at Hanna's place for now. Hanna was also the one in contact with Dr. Jones about Alison's eating habits. Although both Emily and Alison would have loved to be together all the time, they both realized that this big step would come too soon in their budding relationship, especially because they were both very vulnerable at the moment. And although they wouldn't live together, they would still be able to see each other every day.

'We're going to celebrate tonight Ali' Hanna said. 'Celebrate?' Alison gave Hanna a bemused look. 'Yeah, I feel like we should have some sort of a party. Nothing extraordinary. Just a girls' night, like the ones we used to have in high school' Hanna smiled, and a smile appeared on Ali's face as well, when she thought back of the many sleepovers they'd had. 'I've done groceries and have all ingredients for a great sleep over, wine, chocolate and more wine' Hanna grinned, obviously happy with herself. 'Erm, Han, I hate to break it to you, but when you're pregnant, you're not supposed to drink' Alison said with a smirk on her face. Hanna turned bright red. 'Ah shit Ali, it totally slipped my mind! I'm so sorry! Can I get you anything else?' Hanna felt really bad she'd forgotten about this important detail. 'Well I've been craving cranberry juice…' Alison said. Hanna flashed her a smile, 'No problem Miss DiLaurentis. I always have cranberry juice in my fridge, it'll just have to be served without the vodka this time'. Alison grinned. Then an uncomfortable feeling came to her, 'Han?'. 'Yes?' Hanna replied. 'Will you make sure there's not too much alcohol? I mean, Emily's been… She's kinda been dependent on the stuff' Alison's face fell. Hanna grabbed her hand. 'Don't worry Ali, it's going to be okay. She's lightened up so much since you visited her last week. I know she's not there yet, hell she still has a long way to go, but there's a start, you've made a start' she said sweetly. 'Thanks Hanna' Alison gave her friend a weak smile. Five years ago she couldn't have imagined being so grateful for having a friend like Hanna.

The girls' night was great. It almost felt like they were in high school again, only now Emily and Alison could be open about their feelings for each other. They watched two movies, and in the meantime they talked about everything and anything. Emily wasn't drinking too much and seemed to enjoy the company of the other four girls. Alison was enjoying it just as much and even nibbling on some marshmallows, a treat she'd always liked. After the second movie had ended, Alison felt her eyes were getting heavy. She hadn't slept well in the hospital and really wanted to sleep in a 'real' bed in a normal bedroom tonight. Hanna had helped her install in her guestroom this morning and it almost felt like home. She had a double bed, so Emily could sleep over whenever she wanted to. 'I think I'm going to bed. Sorry to be a killjoy, but I'm so tired' Alison said, after which she yawned. 'It's okay Ali, we get it' Aria gave her a sweet smile. 'I'm coming with you' Emily said. The other girls gave them a smile, they were so happy for them. Even Hanna knew better than to make a distasteful joke about her two friends sleeping together. Emily grabbed Alison's hand and they went upstairs. 'You're okay with me staying over, right?' Emily asked insecure. 'Yes Em. I'd want it no other way' Alison pecked her girlfriend on the lips. 'And although I'd love to give you more of where that was coming from, I am too exhausted, so can we just go to sleep?' Alison asked. 'Yeah of course Ali, I'm freakishly tired too' Emily said. Alison sighed in relieve, although she loved Emily to pieces, she didn't feel ready yet to have sex with her. Too much had happened in the last two weeks and it was just something she couldn't think about right now. Both girls got ready for bed and once they lay down, Emily wrapped her arms around Alison and they fell asleep almost immediately.

'Good morning, beautiful' Alison whispered when Emily's eyes fluttered open. 'Hi babe' she said with a sleepy voice, and she curled her arms around her girlfriend's tiny body. Alison rested her head on Emily's chest, and for a while they just lay like that, enjoying being close to each other. 'Ali…' Emily started, while making circles on the back of her girlfriend's arm. 'Mm?' Ali responded, keeping her eyes closed. 'Have you thought about…' Emily wasn't sure they were ready to have this conversation. 'Have I thought about what, sweetie?' Alison asked softly, her eyes still closed. 'About the baby' Emily almost whispered. Alison opened her eyes, there was a glimpse of sadness in them. 'Not really' she lied. 'Ali…' Emily knew she was lying and stopped making circles on her arm. After a few second she heard a deep sigh, and Alison sat up. 'Okay, I have' Alison said, her voice quavering. Their eyes met shortly, and Emily thought she saw tears glistening in those beautiful blue orbs she was so obsessed with. 'And?' Emily grabbed Alison's hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze. 'I don't know Em… It just doesn't feel right… I never wanted this to happen and now I know how Noel really is, it just reinforces my thought on… on why not to keep it' Alison spoke very softly and a tear rolled down her cheek. Emily's heart broke for her girlfriend, she couldn't even imagine what was going on inside of her head. 'What do you mean reinforces it?' she asked softly. 'Bad genes Em. I do not want this baby to grow up and be a mixture of a bitchy queen bee and a coward with anger management issues' Alison said sternly, while she began to shake. 'Hey, Ali, look at me' Emily began softly. Alison shook her head and tears had now began to stream down her face. 'Ali, look at me!' Emily said now with more strength behind her voice, and she cupped her girlfriend's chin in her face so she had to look at her. 'You're not being fair to yourself. You're a great person, and you know that. You're a great person who's had bad things happening to them. Although you haven't always shown the world how good of a person you really are, I know that inside you've always been like the Ali I know, a sweet, caring, beautiful girl, inside and out', Alison looked away. 'You're so sweet Em… But I just don't know. My family's screwed up. I'm screwed up. I don't know if I can handle this, not right now' Emily could hear the frustration in Alison's voice and knew that her girlfriend had been holding this in for way too long. 'Look Ali, the genes' reason just doesn't make sense. You don't have bad genes, this baby won't be cursed, it'll be blessed to have a mom like you. But, if you really feel like you can't or don't want to do this right now, that's okay. It is your choice, your body, your decision' Emily said. Alison sighed deeply once more, and put her head back on her girlfriend's chest. 'I don't know Em, I really don't know' she whispered. Emily felt warm tears falling upon her chest, and kissed Ali on her forehead. 'I know babe, it's hard. You don't have to make your decision right now, but time's running out. Have you talked about this with Dr. Sullivan?'. 'Not really, I've been avoiding the topic…' Alison admitted. 'Maybe you could talk about it today…' Emily didn't want to push Alison too much, but she felt that it was really important that a decision regarding this topic was made to help Alison get better faster. 'Yeah, maybe…' Alison said. And Emily thought it wise to let the topic rest for now. She wrapped her arms around Alison and soon she found that her girlfriend had drifted back to sleep. She softly caressed her hair, and even though she knew that they still had so much to work through, she felt pretty happy right in that moment. Just lying there, with the love of her life in her arms.


	17. Chapter 17

**So... I'm aware this took like _really_ long! I had a writer's block. Still have no clue where this story is going and I'm having a lot of difficulty continuing it. I'm trying to get it into more positive vibes, but, as I'm a very dark and twisty person, this is kinda hard for me. Also I just started my PhD, so don't know how much time I'll have. I do promise however, that some smut will be incorporated in the story soon (a friend is helping me because, for the love of god, I have no clue how to write that...). Anyway, enough excuses, enjoy ;) **

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**Chapter 17**

Alison was sitting in Dr. Sullivan's office. She was playing with her bracelets, looking down at the floor. It had been silent for a while now. Dr. Sullivan had asked Alison a few questions, but she had not really gotten any response, and thus decided to just keep quiet and wait for Alison to speak up. Alison knew what Dr. Sullivan expected of her, but she had a hard time telling her what was bothering her. Because there were a lot of things bothering her. 'I'm sorry' she eventually managed to say, a tear rolling down her cheek. 'What are you sorry for Alison? You haven't done anything wrong' Dr. Sullivan said, compassion lacing her voice. 'I'm sorry for wasting your time' Alison sobbed, while she stood up and grabbed her belongins. She stormed out of Dr. Sullivan's office, leaving the bewildered psychologist behind. Once Dr. Sullivan realized what happened, she stood up to stop Alison, but it was too late already. She had left. She decided to call Hanna, as Alison had named her as contact person because she lived with her now.

Emily came back from a jog when she saw Alison pounding at her door. 'Ali, what's going on?' she said out of breath. Alison turned around and flew in Emily's arms. 'I-I can't do it Em. I just can't. I'm so sorry' she started crying uncontrollably. 'Ali, sweetie, calm down. What can't you do? Please, baby, I'm here, it's okay' she tried to calm her hysterical girlfriend down. Alison didn't stop crying though, and even started to hyperventilate. 'Okay sweetie, let's go inside, come on' she carried Alison, who was still tiny, inside. She put her in bed and lay down next to her. Alison grabbed on to her tightly. 'Sssh, calm down baby, it's all gonna be okay' Emily whispered in her ear while stroking her soft golden locks. Slowly, Alison started to calm down. After a while Emily softly wiped away the last tears on the beautiful face she adored so much. Alison looked her in the eye for the first time since their dramatic meeting at Emily's door. 'Do you want to talk about it?' Emily asked sweetly. Alison shook her head. 'Can we just stay like this for a bit?' she snuggled her head into Emily's chest. 'Sure Ali, we'll talk later' Emily kissed her girlfriend's forehead. Alison soon fell asleep, and it wouldn't have been much longer before Emily would have fallen asleep as well, if it weren't for her phone going off.

'Hey Han, this isn't a good time' she whispered to the blonde on the other side of the line. 'It's urgent Em. Have you seen Alison? Dr. Sullivan called me, she ran away all upset during her session today, and I can't find her anywhere. I'm worried!' the normally cheerful blonde indeed sounded very worried. 'Hanna, calm down. She's right here with me. But what do you mean, she ran away?' Emily was even more worried than she had been before, and softly ran her free hand through Alison's golden locks. 'Oh god, I'm so happy she's with you. How is she? Can I talk to her?' Hanna totally ignored Emily's question. 'She's okay now, she's asleep. But she was pretty upset when I found her pounding at my door just half an hour ago. What happened at Dr. Sullivan that upset her so much? Did she tell you?' Emily tried to keep her voice down, but it was hard to do in this case as she didn't feel like she was getting through to Hanna. She didn't want to wake Alison, but she really needed to know what had happened that made her girlfriend so upset. 'Don't snap at me like that' Hanna said, pretending to be annoyed. Emily sighed deeply, 'Hanna…'. 'I don't know, okay. Dr. Sullivan just said that she ran out. It's confidential or something like that' Hanna explained. 'Okay. Well I'm glad you called. I'll talk to her when she wakes up, okay?' Emily said. 'Yeah, just let me know. Take care of her, Em' Hanna sounded genuinely concerned. 'I will Han, don't worry' after Emily hung up the phone she watched her beautiful girlfriend sleep for a while, before falling into a troubled sleep herself.

'Emily, wake up' Alison's soft hands caressed Emily's cheek. 'Mermaid, please wake up!' Alison's voice sounded worried. Emily's eyes slowly opened. She hadn't heard that nickname in a while. 'Ali, what's going on?' Emily said with a groggy voice. 'I think you had a nightmare, you're all sweaty and moaning and you said things like…' Alison looked down for a moment. 'I said things like what, Ali?' she was suddenly more awake now she noticed how worried her girlfriend looked. 'I don't know, you were just screaming _no_ all the time and saying how you wanted to…' a tear escaped Alison's eye. 'How I wanted what, Ali? Please finish your sentences, you're scaring me' Emily grabbed her hand. 'You said you wanted to die, Em. But don't you dare die on me, okay? I can't handle that. I wouldn't know what to do without you, I-I' Alison started sobbing. 'Hey, hey, sweetie, calm down. It was just a nightmare, I'm not going anywhere. I love you and I'm gonna be right by your side, until we have grey hair and are all wrinkly' she took Alison in her arms and kissed her forehead. Slowly, Alison calmed down, while panic was building in Emily's stomach. Alison wasn't doing well. Not well, _at all_.

'So' Emily tried to sound calm, and took a deep breath, 'are you finally going to tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours?'. Alison avoided Emily's eyes, but after a few moments of silence she finally gave in. 'I don't even know where to start Em. Everything's a mess. I'm a mess. I still don't know what to do about this' she said while pointing at her stomach, 'and… and I'm just really scared of losing you' she said, tears forming in her eyes again. Emily had to swallow to keep herself from crying. She didn't want her girlfriend to feel like she could lose her any moment. She felt guilty. 'Okay… Well, does your difficulty in deciding what to do about the baby have to do with you worrying about me… dying?' she whispered the last word, ashamed of herself. 'Well it's a big part of it, yes' Alison whispered back, clearly she was really scared that Emily would actually take her life at some point. 'Okay, and if you take that part away? Cause really Ali, I'm not going anywhere' Emily had tears in her eyes and took Alison's face in her hands, 'I promise you, Ali, I would never, ever leave you by choice' and before Alison had the chance to look away she found herself drowning in a deep kiss with her mermaid. Emily was feverishly begging for entry and Alison willingly let her in. Their tongues swirled around in perfect harmony and when Emily finally broke away, they were both out of breath. 'You better not, cause I'm gonna want much more of where that came from' Alison smirked when she had caught her breath again. Emily smiled, she was happy that one passionate kiss could give her a glimpse of the old Alison. Still, there was an awkward silence. Both girls knew they hadn't finished the conversation they started before that sensual interruption. 'You have an echography tomorrow, right?' Emily asked eventually. 'Yes… I'm not sure whether I want to go, though' Alison answered, looking down. 'Why not?' Emily grabbed her hand, she knew how difficult it was for Alison to talk about this. 'Because I'm afraid it'll change my mind' Alison confessed. 'Change your mind? But I thought you hadn't made your decision yet' Emily was confused. 'Well… I have decided that I cannot keep it, I just don't know whether I want an abortion or for it to be adopted…' both girls were quiet for a while. Emily was at a loss for words, she genuinely thought Alison would want to keep the baby in the end. When Emily didn't say anything Alison started to panic. 'Em you have to understand, I'll be a horrible mother and whatever you say, this bad gene thing really bothers me, I'm just so fucked up… Does this make me a bad person? I should just keep it, shouldn't I? Do you want me to keep it? My heart says something different than my mind… Oh Em, I really don't know what to do' Alison started sobbing and hyperventilating again. Then Emily realized that she had put her girlfriend under too much pressure. 'Ali, sweetie, please calm down' she took the tine blonde in her arms, 'we've been over this, whatever you decide, you're not a horrible person! If you do not want to keep this baby, that is okay. It's your right to decide that, and no one will blame you, least of all me. But, I don't want you to make a decision for the wrong reasons. Let's go to this echography tomorrow, and then, when you feel better, and the time is right, talk about this again, okay? I feel like you're overthinking this right now. I'm sorry I made you talk about this when you weren't ready yet' Emily said while holding Alison close to her. Alison almost crawled into Emily, 'I'm sorry too' she whispered.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hi guys, I'm aware this took ages. Sorry about that. Also I do apologise in advance, as it's definitely not one of my better chapters...**

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 **Chapter 18**

Emily and Alison didn't really talk about the pregnancy the following days. However, it was constantly on their minds. It was bothering Emily so much that she decided to talk about it with Spencer. She didn't really know why she wanted to talk about it with her, but it seemed like the right choice. When Alison went to her group therapy, which she had twice a week on Monday and Friday, Emily went for lunch with Spencer. They had agreed to meet at the Brew, as Emily felt most comfortable there. 'Hey Em, are you okay? You sounded worried on the phone this morning' Emily hadn't told Spencer why she wanted to go for lunch. 'Hey' she pulled her friend in a tight hug, 'yeah I'm alright, don't worry'. 'Okay…' Spencer didn't completely believe her, especially because the memories of the past few weeks were still fresh. 'How are you? How are the wedding preparations going? And are the kids ready for the big quiz?' Emily asked. She didn't want to start of their lunch with a heavy topic such as her girlfriend's unwanted pregnancy. Spencer knew that this wasn't why Emily had asked her to get lunch together, but was happy to talk about this nonetheless. 'The wedding is almost a year away Em, I'm not really preparing yet' she said. Emily didn't believe a word of this, she knew how much of a perfectionist her friend was, and raised her eyebrows as to let Spencer know she knew this wasn't true. 'Okay, I've started on the invitations, and I have made a map so I can visit the most important bridal stores in an efficient way. But that's perfectly normal at this stage' she defended herself before Emily could say anything about it. 'I bet it is' Emily grinned, she was so happy for Spencer and Toby. Two of her best friends were getting married, even after everything they have gone through they had their happy ending. This gave Emily a bit of hope; maybe she would marry Alison once…

'Em?' Spencer looked worried. Emily looked up, apparently she got a bit carried away thinking about the future. 'Sorry, I was just thinking about something' she said. 'Do you want to tell me about it?' Spencer realized that this was important to Emily, she saw it in her eyes. 'Well, yes. It's sort of why I asked you to go for lunch with me. I mean, I am so happy for you and Toby. You guys have overcome so much and you're finally getting the happy ending you deserve, and I am just wondering if that will also happen for Ali and me…' she explained. Spencer gave her friend a smile, and squeezed her hand, 'I'm sure you guys will also get your happy ending. You have both gone through a lot lately, no, you're still going through it actually. But you have got each other now, it will get better Em, I promise'. Emily gave her friend a weak smile and wiped away a tear from her face. 'I hope so, Spence, I really do. But right now I don't know how to talk to her. She's so vulnerable. I have been trying to talk about her pregnancy, but she just shuts down. I don't think she will keep the baby. And I would be okay with that, if it was for the right reasons, but it's not. She hates herself so much that she thinks she has cursed this baby even before it has been born. I've told her so many times how beautiful, sweet and caring she is, but she just won't believe it. And I don't want to push her, cause I fear that will make things worse' Emily said.

Spencer patiently listened to her friends' worries. She wasn't surprised by what she heard. 'First of all, you would never be able to make things worse, Em. She loves you. She loves you so much that it hurts. I think you're doing the right thing, you shouldn't push her. But maybe someone else should. I think she needs some tough love right now. Not from you, but I could try and see if I can accomplish something. It's how our relationship worked in the past, maybe it will help now as well' Spencer said. 'You think so?' Emily was hesitant, 'don't you think she's too vulnerable right now?'. 'I do think she is very vulnerable right now. But Ali is very smart, so she knows how vulnerable she is, and she hates it. I bet I could get a bit of the old Ali back by just rattling her cage a little, just by crossing her on something she says for example' Spencer explained. 'Erm, yeah, maybe… I mean you two always used to fight, but you always made up, right?' Emily was still unsure whether this was a good idea. 'It's just how we work, I guess. I hate to admit this, but Ali and me, we're very much alike. She just needs to snap out of this, I know that's very easy for me to say, and I know it won't be easy for her as a lot of shit is going on in her life, but I don't know how else we can help her. Maybe we've all been a little too nice to her. I mean there's nothing wrong with that, she definitely deserves to be treated as good as you're treating her, but maybe she needs a little push. I know tough love has always worked for me' Spencer squeezed Emily's hand. 'Okay, maybe you're right. I guess we should give it a go. Don't really think there's another option and we don't have a lot to lose…' Emily didn't want to sound so pessimistic, but, in her view, the situation was really as bad as it could get. 'Em, look at me. There's an awful lot to lose, that's why we should undertake some action! I promise you everything is going to be alright, it will just take some time. A lot of bad things have happened to Ali, and things have only started to look up since you two got together. We're not going to let it go downhill again, okay? We will get through this, together, like we always have' Spencer had a fierce look in her eyes, which made Emily believe the words she just said. 'Okay, let's do it' she said, and gave her friend a smile. Spencer pulled her in a hug, 'everything will be fine, Em, I promise you'


End file.
